The big issue now.. for me and the Media Makers.. is my sever social anxiety. We go around the room.. and there’s a crap load of people in the room.. and we talk about what we do or who we are or something or other.. and or maybe give a demonstration… with only a few exceptions.. my anxiety has made this exercise.. painful for me…  a bit of an understatement…

Well #1 this will be something like only the second time I will have gone through it on anxiety meds.. and #2 I think I’ve worked out some kinda of an idea about what I’ll say of myself.. which will be to focus on the music part of my equation.. and never mind trying to get at any of the sorta madness I normally might try and reach for.

So.. with this in mind.. (and perhaps to help prepare me for speaking)

Lets talk about the Music

So before you listen to this.. well try and get really good headphones on or the best speakers you can get.. because this is music that’s… really engineered to sound great on great systems..

Here’s the track that I normally show folks:

So.. what’s this madness all about?

I suppose there’s two things to talk about here.. one is the “style” of the music, or something like that.. and the other is the subject…

Style

Music theory is really a kind of schema system, or like.. a theoretical frame work for how to organize sound into music. The sorta conceptual tradition of this music comes from like.. Jazz into the Avant Guard.. folks like John Cage.. and takes various ideas from painting and modern art more broadly.. as well as a hell of a lot of other places.. particularly Jungian Psychology.. and lets say the rest of psychology.

The way I would describe it.. versus a more conventional music.. is that it’s a bit like going from newtonian physics to sub atomic particles.

In a way.. I think of it like social media.. this idea that what we are experiencing is fundamentally a shift in how we categorize stuff.. this is a power shift.. that is dramatically more democratic.. so that the organizing principles via which we compartmentalize knowledge.. the way we frame reality.. is fundamentally exploded (kinda like how Piccaso painted accept it’s sorta post post modern)

Err.. this would take a kind of philosophical treatise to fully explain.. but basically what we are hearing in the music is something like the future…  it’s how technology, the internet, and what have you.. is fundamentally changing society and culture.. and it parallels the structural systemic shift.. in terms of it’s schema system.. the music we are used to is like modern air craft.. this is a flying saucer.

Subject

It’s a dream I had.. that for told my future.. which is now my present… a kind of warning of the challenges to come.. I’ll leave it at that.. for a future post… But lets say it has to do with commercial challenges of this conceptual radicalism

And another piece of music

At the time I created this.. a fellow had gotten really excited about my music.. wanted to sign me to a recording / management contract.. I guess a 360 deal.. and one of the things he suggested…. as a means of both building my reputation and making some money was to do remixes.. and this bit with Steven Cobert and Lawrence Lessig was one suggestion.

The trouble turned out.. that about this time.. it would take me about a month to finish a track.. and considering that when you do a remix.. you generally don’t own the music.. can’t put it out.. or there’s various copyright issues.. it sorta made remix competitions.. unrealistic.

At any rate.. after I had mostly finished it.. and posted it.. I didn’t really think of much of it.. didn’t think it was up to the standards of my work… or what I would like my standards to be.. and so I hadn’t really thought about it for a while.

Well then said fellow.. a couple weeks ago I guess.. emailed me. He had been looking for Lawrence Lessig when he came upon the track.. really dug it.. and wondered how I was doing.

I’ve often been sorta suspicious of why he would like my work.. I’m terrible with compliments don’t cha know.. but it caused me to revisit it.. and wow.. yeah.. I really like it.

Older work

If you’re interested.. I have a lot of older work online to.. I think mostly available for free download.. here’s a link to much of it on my last.fm account.

[I may be taking this down sometime in the not too distant future on account of a project to commercially put some music, so you know.. while supplies last and all that...]

This old work.. a lot of it is rather rushed.. as a part of a challenge to finish a record inside of a month.. kinda deal.. and so its not really well curated as far as.. well there’s crap in there with the gems I’d say….

If you’d like to use my work

If you’d like to use my work for something you’re doing.. say a youtube video or whatever.. well.. I think most of this is under creative commons.. but if you want to use it for commercial / profit kinds stuff.. well just contact me.. leave a message for me here.. or hit me up on twitter..  twitter.com/mattsearles.. Generally all I ask is to be credited and a link back to this web site.

Err.. I guess this wasn’t too bad a post? Yeah.. I’n not sure.. but screw it.. I gotta race out the door for #BMM

But I found myself in a situation.

My mix was going through a master buss compressor.. which is followed by a limiter.. which is a bit of a no no.. but whatever.. and.. I have this area in my production where I want.. to drive stuff harder.. on certain beats.. and do certain things… and playing it by ear… just wasn’t working.

So I throw a Motu Master Works EQ on my master buss.. which will gave me a visualization of the spectrum… turned out to be a brilliant thing to do…

What I found was.. well I found the sorta gaps in the frequency space.. there wasn’t really much in the way of gaps.. for the most part.. the frequencies were pretty well balanced… but I saw two opportunities to create the musical effect I was shooting for.

Opportunity 1

The first.. and “duhhh” thing was the sub bass frequencies. I say “Duhhh” because.. I had kinda spent a lot of time trying to keep the sub bass area empty accept for a synthesizer playing that roll.. and indeed the kick drum wasn’t really getting into those sub frequencies… This section of the track… in effect.. was still an intro.. still a.. we’re moving towards something… kinda part…

So you have a situation where everything’s been set up to clear up some frequency space.. and you got nothing in that space.. so there’s an opportunity for you….

Now my first reaction to this was to throw some basses in.. in that sub range.. see what happens.. and low and behold.. it worked.

But then I began to think… “hmm.. how am I EQing that Kick?” Like maybe what I should do is somehow set up the kick so that if I’m shaping it to work with the bass.. in the sections leading up to the entrance of the bass.. I should not be shaping the kick in that way.

But then I thought “wait.. the composition at this point is in part about the gradual increase of intensity, and so if the kick is already taking up all that space.. and then I take away from it as the bass comes in.. that might work against the compositional framework stuff.”

So I haven’t touched that element yet.. but I am thinking about it.. it may just be a question of how I balance these issues.

The second opertunity I found was actually in the higher frequencies.. probably starting around 1K… and really becoming more so around 2-5K…and in the 10-20k region.. there was a tun of empty space…

If you don’t mix regularly.. this probably all sounds like greek.. and so allow me to give some explanation of the implications and what nots.. of what I’m talking about.

Bass / Low Frequencies

Where I’m at with mixing right now.. I think of the real bass frequencies of being about 100Hz down.. and the sub bass as somewhere above 20Hz and down.

For both the bass and sub bass areas.. you gotta be kinda careful.. You want your stuff panned centrally.. you’ll very often need to be cutting stuff in there.. to add clarity.. you can’t really have over lapping elements in there… or over lapping elements represent a challenge.. of course most every bit of music you hear.. at least… will have the issue of the kick and the bass.

With the kick and the bass you really have two choices.. which is.. one of those elements will take up the sub bass area.. and the other will be cut before hand.. and you gotta do something so you can hear both elements together.. should they play at the same time.. and there’s.. well a lot to talk about with this.. but that’s not the issue I’m fighting with today.

So… this sub bass region.. the thing here.. well there’s basically 2 things here.. #1 the sub bass is felt more then it’s heard.. and #2.. whatever’s going on in the sub bass area.. it’s the nature of the sub bass frequency space.. that you can’t really have stuff going on super fast.. if you want a super fast kick drum, for instance.. it’s going to have less sub.. and there will be some kind of upward extension to give you that click…

The 1K and up range

There’s a lot to talk about here!!!

Our Ears

The first thing is.. the human ear.. is really able to get the most details.. really.. in this here 1k and up range.. that’s where the ears really do well… so this is usually where you want most of the production / focus / whatever… to take place in a mix.

So.. that my mix is sorta starting to be a little less loud around here… is kinda odd… and probably the ideal thing would be to change that.

20k… and maybe 10k to 20k.. but really 20k.. is the theoretically highest frequencies we can hear.. although ears do vary… and we tend to loos are ability to hear up this high as we age.

Analog Vs Digital

Now.. analog based mixing, recording, and production.. the nature of tape.. and how an analog works.. well one of the things about it.. is it’s always gradually taking off a bit of the high end frequencies.. and this is one of the reason people sometimes think of digital as sound harsh relative to analog.. and it’s a complaint among some critics.. lets call them.. that mixes really need to push this area less then they currently are.

There for.. there’s some reason to.. put a low pas filter.. around here.. and make it so there’s not really anything going on.. or not much going on.. which happens to be about what is happening in this production..

The Depth Issue

Now.. the other thing I’ll say.. is that when we are dealing with these higher frequencies.. these are frequencies that play a big roll in how you create depth in a mix: As sounds get further away from you.. they loose top end frequencies… One way to make something sound more in your face is to just add a little of these higher frequencies.

In how I’ve been mixing for.. I don’t know how long.. my technique for creating space.. involves sounds moving around in space.. including from far away to close up.. and very often nearly all the sounds in my mixing will move around in this depth plain.. there for nearly every sound.. just to make it easier for me.. will have a low pass filter on it.. that I’ll automate..

A low pas filter means that the frequencies below your target frequencies pass through.. the above frequencies get cut…  I probably should have explained that earlier.

So.. even when I have the low pass filter’s frequencies set to as high as it’ll go.. it’ll cut off a bit of the top end.. which isn’t a negative.. because you probably want to cut that a bit anyway… just to keep stuff from sounding harsh, right?

So this probably the reason why the frequency balance of the track has the frequencies getting a bit quieter post 1K…. because so many of the sound get cut in order to create depth… and for the most part I never book anything as a part of all this…

Well.. times are a changing.. and how I work is in flux so…

The implications

Basically.. there’s a limited amount I can do with the sub frequencies.. but when I put in the sub bass… and had it more or less playing quarter notes.. what I was going for.. well it really worked.. but.. I couldn’t use speeding up the pace.. terribly well.. as a means of increasing the energy still further..

The high frequencies.. I took a look through all the synth patches I had recently added to the production.. looking for ones with a whole lot of high end.. and there was really only one that was really harsh that way..

But my thought was… that I’d have these sorta high frequency sounds.. coming from far way.. and then getting super in you’re face.. in the area where I was trying to really hit things hard.. and they would hopefully fix my problems…

So this would really have to be thought out.. in terms of the composition.. in a more complex way then the bass stuff.

Also.. it turned out that these were my Absynth patches that I had recently programmed.. and I had them set up so they all went through a kind of master Absynth channel.. and I was thinking of adding some high frequencies in there.. to help the cause little,

I mean I don’t know how to write something that I’ll actually post.

I’m staring in to my head.. its 7 26 AM.. I haven’t gone to bed yet.. and I’m in a kinda dark place.

I haven’t really been able to put my finger on it.. on what’s wrong.. and still.. Jesus, wtf is wrong anyway? Maybe it’s just some kinda brain chemistry strangeness… I’m not sure that it has anything to do with outward material reality.. to be perfectly honest.. I think it’s just those inward demons.

Often when people talk about Demons it’s vice related.. this isn’t that kinda demon.. Maybe that kinda demon is one you don’t wrestle with well enough.. and so it manifests in your material reality.. confronting you that way.. but this… this is more of an inward thing that.. I wrestle with too hard for it… to materialize totally.

As I say that.. I realize.. who the hell am I kidding.. what is my life if not a materialization of the demonic! I mean lets gets serious.. my life sucks.

Hmmm…

And why does it suck? I mean.. not the surface explanations.. I mean the really deep truth, what is that? Maybe I should just sit down and pray.. maybe that would reveal it to me.

Hell.. I don’t even care what the reason is.. I’d just like to get to a better place!

Anyway… so this is what I’m feeling right now.. the thoughts that are going through my head right now.. it’s.. my sense of things right now…  Accept that to explain it by writing is to be forced into some sorta of linear path to creating an image.. and I’m having a hard time expressing it really.

So.. I’m in bed.. sitting up… my cat by my site.. me sitting here with laptop in hand.. and down stairs.. that’s where the studio is.. that’s where the real shit takes place… or where the real shit should take place.. where it would take place if I could just muster the courage.

Or find the inspiration.

I’m working on a music project.. but mostly I procrastinate working on the music project.

I can’t even tell if I’m moving forward on it at all right now.. to tell you the truth.

I’m not sure about my judgement on it… I’ll tell you. Sometimes I’ll take a listen.. and I’ll think “holy crap, listen to that!!!” It’s like some amazing sonic experience.. something very special that I’ve crafted.. and some times I feel like some master artist.. making magick happen.

Other times? Yeah.. total fucking crap.. or not crap.. just.. just how do I find my way through this problem.

That’s the real gist of it.. all art seems that way to me.. .and epic battle.. you go and try and make something.. and what you make is crap.. and you go “oh shit, that’s crap” and you wonder.. what can you do to transmute it into something less crappy.. or.. why is it crap?

It’s like this puzzle you puzzle over.. and slowly you push through it.. you just keep at it.. and over time.. by a process of confronting the problems.. you eventually remove the problems.

See.. it’s all about your perception as the artist.. your aesthetic reaction.. if you hear it and think it’s great… you keep it, if you think it sucks, you change it.. for every element you work with… unless you get lazy or something..  so what happens is that you’re basically imprinting you’re aesthetic reaction onto the sonic canvas.

Now the surrealism of it is.. the way what sounds you’re attracted to, what you’re repulsed by.. has to do with your mood, your psychology.. and so in this way the music becomes like a confession of your experience… and confession that is not necessarily just the confession of the conscious mind.

And so the problems you struggle with in the work.. those are your demons.

But also interesting.. it might be slightly peculiar to music.. especially when the mix engineering bit is a part of the art it’s self.. that there are multiple paths your ear can take through the sonic experience.. and this is really one of the huge challenges in the production.

What happens is you can loose the big picture focus and dwell on these details.. that may or may not matter at all. Hell.. you might be ruining it as a result…

It’s like there’s this giant multiplicity of potential sonic experiences.. at every moment in the music.. and what happens as you’re working is.. you just get stuck on this one… spot. One pathway through the sonic art.

Err, I’ll get more specific in talking about what I’m doing now.

Basically I started out trying to do a drum and bass track.. but got lost somewhere around the way.. in any event I roughed out part of an arrangement… and now I’m going through and.. creating like.. the next level of polish… But it’s really a whole lot more then polish.

I think… I have these first kinda section nailed down pretty well.. and there needs to be a few more sections kinda worked up a little better.. and I think I need to do something with delays in a few points.. like really huge delay where it sounds like… just some giant space or explosion.

Or at least that’s the solution that comes to me.

But I’m also not sure of what’s going on in the bass frequencies.. or if the snare is hitting through hard enough.. and every time I add a detail.. I get really afraid that I’m muck something up.

So what I’ve started to do is the old “lets make each element tiny so that we can have this lush huge experience,” this is an engineering thing.. if in a given moment in the mix.. there’s just one single acoustic guitar playing.. that acoustic guitar can take up all of the frequency space of the mix.. but as soon as you start adding elements.. you have to take away frequencies from that guitar.. and give it to other stuff.. so the guitar becomes smaller and smaller…

And then.. via automation… what you’ll do is.. make that guitar sound bigger, maybe.. when there’s less stuff playing, and smaller when there’s more stuff playing.. and it’s really just a way of crafting the focus.. you don’t really experience it as getting bigger or smaller if you’re the typical music listener.

The album example I always think of for this is Slayer’s Seasons of the Abyss.. the way the drums.. when they are alone get huge.. or the guitars when they are alone get huge.. and the whole thing is like some giant brilliant symphony.. the way the elements play with one another and the way the music flows…

The Next Night:

I woke up at 7 PM “this morning.” It’s 11 40 AM, and I plan to go unconscious soon.. with any luck anyway.

Today I really didn’t get shit done… DP.. my production environment crashed a few times.. work was lost.. and I worked  to bring in a whole bunch of Absynth patches.. into the project.. but kept running up against this memory limitation.. and it was around this time that I learned that my version of DP… the current version…. doesn’t support 64-bit.. it’s 32-bit.. meaning much of my ram it can’t access.. thus the memory problem.

That pissed me off.. cause it’s like hitting you’re head against a wall.. you realize.. you can’t go any further really.. or you cant go far or.. you’re going to have to fucking figure some shit out.. or wait till the next version comes out and you’ve somehow managed to get the money together for it…

Anyway.. I eventually gave up on the project and went to start a new project… and then sorta drifted back to the old project.. to take another look…

I don’t know.. I don’t if the project’s any good or not.. I don’t if it’s just ok, if it’s great.. if it’s a steaming turd.. I just don’t know.. and I guess I have to live with that.

I guess the biggest theme that strikes my fancy.. or just seems important for me to hear and hold onto is “believe.” Believe in the stuff of.. well I don’t know what to call it and don’t have enough time to get into it.. but dreams.. and.. passions.. and who you are in the deepest sense and that feeling of purpose you have about life…  about your ability to get where you need to go.. in order to actualize..

So.. that’s maybe one of the biggest themes.

Another big thing is this whole box of philosophical whatever… I think of it as a kind of toy box.. for the intellectual kids.. right? It’s this kind of complex way of understanding stuff that gets beneath surface phenomenology. It’s some badd ass shit.. and its sorta structured into this kind of critique of society.. including stuff like how we run business and whatever.. like critiques of management theory…. good stuff.

And then there’s the art… which is almost like applied philosophy… Like that’s the best way of putting it… Or its as if the philosophy was the theory and the art the practice.

I’m jumping of a giant cliff into the unknown with my art.. It’s pretty scary stuff in a lot of ways.. but.. I’m starting to see certain things emerge… that are like signs of things to come.. where all this jumping into the unknown is heading…  basically it’s heading to… knowing a whole bunch of new shit.. I mean that’s probably what it comes down to…

But it turns my music into something wholly new…. It totally changes the game.. and there’s a larger integration with the media stuff… I see a really kick ass potential here.

Ok.. so lets move onto points of anxiety….. about the art.

The main thing is i gotta keep at it.. and keep at it strong.. and work and work and work.. and find a way of making this stuff.. a lot of it really is coming down to craft..

Craft is like.. well some art is all about craft.. It’s like genera conventions and its about how well you do that genera.. not what concepts you bring to the table… you can roughly divide up artists, and other types for that matter, into the conceptualist’s and the crafts folk…. and in a lot of ways my work really rocks it on the craft level.. that’s always been a big part of my shtick.. but the concepts.. yeah.. that stuff is strong to I think…

But anyway.. .the craft is the thing I’m worrying about now.

I’ve been looking at a whole lot of dance music production.. the techniques.. how you do it..all the little pieces.. and sorta integrating that stuff into my work.. and trying to move my work in a more dance friendly direction.. but it’s not totally been working out.

And then I guess it’s like bringing the mix engineering stuff to the next level.

And really.. more then a lot of all this.. I’ve been focusing on sound synthesis.. Absynth, Kontakt, Massive, Omnisphere.. those have been my main virtual instruments that I’ve been busy programming..  and really the heart of the craft issue for me is.. gaining some real mastery over these instruments.

What else?

Oh.. there’s the subjects of words.. and they can do.. little captured bits of audio.. of life of people talking of whatever.. cut into the music to tell a story.. and all that goes into that kind of story telling and how it integrates into the music and everything.. that’s big stuff… anyway, lets edit and post.

It’s already bad enough that the day before the appointment I’m not to eat any kind of fatty foods… and well.. I didn’t discover this, or that my appointment was today.. till pretty late in the day.. so… I’m not sure how that might effect things.

And right now I’m just freaking tired.

It’s now 1:19 and I have to get to the food pantry… probably.. ought to leave in… well 10 or 15 minutes I guess.. so as to not be late for my therapist appointment.. which means not much time for a post.

So.. I guess I’ll just give a kinda journal-ish update on what’s up…

I’ve been uber focused on music making.. music production.. the tools, thinking about music composition and song writing.. dance music….

I’ve been doing these tutorials for creating the drums and bass for various dance genres. It’s really a kind of paint by numbers approach.. but you end up with a new perspective or it adds something to your current perspective. So right now my goal is to finish all the tutorials in this magazine and then… well listen to music from those genres and try and make finished music out of them that sorta fits there genres.

After that my goal is to see if I can get it so I can more or less create a finished track inside of a day. These tracks might not be totally 100% finished.. in terms of polish and what not.. but the idea is to get so I can create a lot of work fast and then go back and see what I have, what I like.. and then maybe bring the good ones to fruition.

Other then that I have a remix I’m meaning to work on… a contest.

I guess what I find myself focusing on, or what I think will be my focus.. are these really subtle details. It’s like.. barely audible things.. the kind of game where it’s a game of inches.. and now is the time to work on those final inches.. that that’s where my focus ought to be.

I also have tun of unfinished works.. in progress.. and I’m thinking of taking a look at them.. and even some finished work.. .and think about brining those inches to those works.. because.. I have some stuff that I think is really great work.. but has these big parts that I’m not happy with on one level or another.

There’s other ideas worth talking about, but I gotta proof read this post once over and then post.. and get out of here…

I’m spent… really really spent. I got very little sleep last night.. so I’ve been in a surreal sleep deprived state the whole day… I worked on a post on the subject… but…

There are some posts that are difficult for me to post.. these are usually of the longer, more complex, variety… epic if you will. Posts where I deep dive into one or another subject.. and probably a subject that your average reader would come to without a whole lot of background knowledge..

It was said to me, at one point, that it was like you needed a PhD in Matt.. to really follow this stuff.

I’d like to do more posts like that actually. It might not make a lot of sense from the usual marketing perspective.. but it might.

You see there’s the really deep and rich intellectual foundation to my work.. to my way of being in the world.. I am some kind of a philosopher I guess you could say… and I think.. if you should find the subjects interesting… which at least I do.. I think this could be some very exciting stuff to go and explore publicly.

This stuff, I think, is the real reason why I was put on this earth.. this is my real passion… and… the spirits whom visit me seem to be beckoning me onward.. down these paths.

That’s a strange thing to say… but that gets at my mystic shtick

I imagine you’ve probably seen the Matrix movie(s).. In a way the movie suggests that the world we take for reality.. is really an illusion.. and the real world is this other thing.. and its about saving humanity from the illusion that enslaves us. Or that’s one way to think of it.

Well its a sorta similar idea.. I heard this said somewhere.. I think by a psychoanalyst..  some people cling to fantasy in order to escape reality, others cling to reality to escape there fantasy’s. I always liked that.

Another way of pointing to it is something Jung said in reference to psychology types:. The mysteries of the universe extend infinitely into the outer material world.. but they also extend infinitely into the interior world of the psyche.. folks more orientated to the outer world we call extroverts, people more orientated to the inner world we call introverts.

The point here.. an what people miss.. is that the inward world is just as real as outer world. You can say “it’s all in your mind” about.. whatever.. but at root.. all the problems of life are inward problems..

So this business of talking about mystical things.. spirits.. whatever.. the mystic side of religions and mythologies from the dawn of time.. have served as a road map to this inward world.. and a part of the truth they speak to is the truth of inward reality. And in large measure I’d say this is one of the big things the world is missing today…

And this is really what my art and work is all about exploring.

So when I speak of spirits beckoning me onward.. I’m personifying actual psychic, or psychological… experience.

And it’s “not just subjective.”

The surrealists, of course, thought of it as a kind of “ultimate reality” and it really is, in many ways… what Plato was trying to get to with is ultimate ideas..

Anyway… I think think this is probably a post worth posting

I have no idea what this means in practice.

The house, of course, is the house I grew up in.. the Eviction notice is from.. well basically from my father’s Guardian, on his behalf.. or the lawyer for where she works.. Jewish family services.

Now apparently there is a legal system here.. a process..

The trouble is I’m on disability and getting section 8 housing, or subsidized housing.. there’s waiting lists… so that finding a place to move out to inside of that 3 month period.. may or may not be realistic..

And if it’s not realistic.. and I do whatever I can to get out.. then it may be that I can’t just be made homeless like that.

So I probably shouldn’t be freaking out.. not till I get to talk to a lawyer anyway… but to be woken up by this.. from deep sleep.. is not an easy thing…

To be served by this is sorta unexpected..

At this point I don’t interact with my father’s Guardian.. my therapist does on my behalf.. as said guardian had quiet a way of pushing me into the suicidal area code.. Just really by the way she does things…..

There had just been a conversation.. or she had been saying to my therapist that I would have to leave on account of my father not being able to afford the heat.. and the water would have to be turned off so the pipes don’t break.

But what about fuel assistance? Or that the bills we had for gas an electric that were in his name didn’t reflect a disability rate which is what he should be paying.. or if I were paying it.. that I should be paying?

This was maybe a month ago.. and I had gone to try and make an appointment for fuel assistance but there’s no way of doing that unless I have an actual fuel bill… for the heat.. and of course I didn’t because it’s in his name and they don’t go to me anyway.

So what my therapist was going to do was to ask her to have the bill in my name.. I would pay it.. and it was up to me to get the fuel assistence.. or that she could apply for fuel assistence in his name.

Well I haven’t heard anything more of this.. and now I get the notice to evict.

In my view..

This is sorta.. the way said Gaurdian operates.. it really has nothing to do with an issue of heating the house and the pipes.. it has to do with her wanting me out of the house because it makes her job more difficult.. and I’m sure it’s totally true that he’s run out of money.. and they need to sell the house, and whatever that’s in it that is of value.. for nursing home bills..

So I appreciate the situation.. or try to.. my father’s situation and hers… but.. it’s the manipulative nature.. of how she operates.. that infuriates me. That before I had any kind of legal knowledge or anything.. she would stomp on my rights.. with all kinds of threats of how she was going to come here and call the police if I wasn’t here to meet her… and she would change the locks and it would be illegal for me to then go and try and break in…

And then, of course…. on the day I was to meet her.. she doesn’t show up.

I see her as a bit of a bully… I’ve tried to like her.. but it’s not easy when you’re in my position… being threatened with homelessness… and all the rest.

At one point she seemed almost angelic.. she helping me to find housing.. through the process.. but I have sever social anxiety that makes it very difficult.. and she wasn’t very nurturing about that I will tell you. If a problem came up where my anxiety made it difficult to do whatever the thing was… she would threaten…. and thus make my anxiety all the worse.. (thus pushing me into the suicidal area code)

I’m told that people in her position are over worked.. and I did get that impression…. and that a lot of what she does could come down to that.. and that this situation where I take her as manipulative.. could have to do with her being over worked and just not being able to spend enough time looking at the subject to see it clearly..

But I’m skeptical of all that.

What upsets me is here I was trying to take care of my father.. and then she steps in…. and if my father didn’t have Alzheimer’s and knew what was going on.. I can tell you that this is not how he’d want things handled.

The only thing I can think, really.. is that she thinks I think I can stay here indefinitely.. or should.. and she needs to show me that she’s serious.. and thus the serving of the notice to evict. That seems reasonable to me but…

Why she would think that I don’t know

She had helped to get me on disability… and apparently the social security office suggested that it would probably be best if I had a payee.. I guess is what it’s called.. so somehow it was as if I had been declared unfit to spend my own money, and she was suddenly in charge of my money.

I couldn’t believe this bullshit! How can someone just do this to you without even consulting you? How can you just be declared unfit to spend your money and so now you don’t have your money? All kinds of horrible things happened to me because I didn’t have that money… and that she could spend that money without me even being notified?

Sure.. she did this on my car insurance.. which is a reasonable thing.. but still.. that I don’t even know about it?

So there was this process to get me the money… or there was this lump sum as a part of the disability… and what ended up happening is.. the place I go for my therapist and psychiatrist.. and other things… also has a payee service.. so the idea was to get it transfered over… this transferring process has taken something like 8 months.. more then twice what it should have.. and who knows why….

So the thing is.. to move out.. I need that money for first and last months rent.. and whatever security deposit. So things had been held up by this.. or this is my understanding anyway.

So I don’t know.. that’s sorta the story as I understand it anyway.

I’m hit by this queer anxiety feeling.. it’s a little bit as if you peered into a dream.. where in some very clear way your subconscious was telling you something that was sorta.. at odds with how you were thinking about things / believing… was the nature of… any number of things in your life..

I could try and give examples of some of these supposed insights, but they are really intangable feelings that seem to cluster around certain mental images… It’s as if our idea of reality had to do with how we tie together these image clusters and the feeling is like a suggestion of an alternative way of connecting the images together.. to create some other narrative…

And you only lightly feel that narrative tickling you’re cheek.. as you turn you’re head to try see that other reality.

I don’t if it’s real or imaginary… if I should wake up or go back to bed..

I’ve actually been feeling pretty inspired to work on new music on account of my recent RAM upgrade… which suddenly opens thing wide open for me.

And then I started watching videos like this one from Tom Cosm

Even if you don’t know anything about Ableton Live or electronic music.. you can really learn a good deal from videos like this.. I mean he really explains things down to the most basic levels…

Tom Cosm is really THE guy to learn Ableton from and I can’t really recommend him enough.

Anyway watching this video was like a real eye opener for me. In part cause I’m just not that handy with Ableton.. and other videos I’ve seen don’t really show you how you would work with the software if you were like… working on a sorta pro level? Or they are more like “this does this” and it doesn’t really show you the production craft.. or the tool in the context of the production craft.

But also.. I guess I come from a much more conventional kind of approach and this just really opens me up to thinking in different ways about production and sorta shows me how much more I have to learn.

Though oddly in all of this I didn’t really spend anytime in Ableton today… more just in Digital Performer..

But watching how Tom works with Operator in Ableton.. which is an FM synthesizer.. I quickly got inspired to try and work with Native Instruments FM8 in a similar way but.. well this would involve me spending a lot of time in manuals and all that kinda stuff.. which I suppose I should be doing!

Anyway.. so yea.. watched hours of Tom Cosm’s videos… and worked a bit.. picked up some groceries… and I guess that was my day basically.