I just got an eviction notice.. that I’m to leave this house inside of 3 months.

I have no idea what this means in practice.

The house, of course, is the house I grew up in.. the Eviction notice is from.. well basically from my father’s Guardian, on his behalf.. or the lawyer for where she works.. Jewish family services.

Now apparently there is a legal system here.. a process..

The trouble is I’m on disability and getting section 8 housing, or subsidized housing.. there’s waiting lists… so that finding a place to move out to inside of that 3 month period.. may or may not be realistic..

And if it’s not realistic.. and I do whatever I can to get out.. then it may be that I can’t just be made homeless like that.

So I probably shouldn’t be freaking out.. not till I get to talk to a lawyer anyway… but to be woken up by this.. from deep sleep.. is not an easy thing…

To be served by this is sorta unexpected..

At this point I don’t interact with my father’s Guardian.. my therapist does on my behalf.. as said guardian had quiet a way of pushing me into the suicidal area code.. Just really by the way she does things…..

There had just been a conversation.. or she had been saying to my therapist that I would have to leave on account of my father not being able to afford the heat.. and the water would have to be turned off so the pipes don’t break.

But what about fuel assistance? Or that the bills we had for gas an electric that were in his name didn’t reflect a disability rate which is what he should be paying.. or if I were paying it.. that I should be paying?

This was maybe a month ago.. and I had gone to try and make an appointment for fuel assistance but there’s no way of doing that unless I have an actual fuel bill… for the heat.. and of course I didn’t because it’s in his name and they don’t go to me anyway.

So what my therapist was going to do was to ask her to have the bill in my name.. I would pay it.. and it was up to me to get the fuel assistence.. or that she could apply for fuel assistence in his name.

Well I haven’t heard anything more of this.. and now I get the notice to evict.

In my view..

This is sorta.. the way said Gaurdian operates.. it really has nothing to do with an issue of heating the house and the pipes.. it has to do with her wanting me out of the house because it makes her job more difficult.. and I’m sure it’s totally true that he’s run out of money.. and they need to sell the house, and whatever that’s in it that is of value.. for nursing home bills..

So I appreciate the situation.. or try to.. my father’s situation and hers… but.. it’s the manipulative nature.. of how she operates.. that infuriates me. That before I had any kind of legal knowledge or anything.. she would stomp on my rights.. with all kinds of threats of how she was going to come here and call the police if I wasn’t here to meet her… and she would change the locks and it would be illegal for me to then go and try and break in…

And then, of course…. on the day I was to meet her.. she doesn’t show up.

I see her as a bit of a bully… I’ve tried to like her.. but it’s not easy when you’re in my position… being threatened with homelessness… and all the rest.

At one point she seemed almost angelic.. she helping me to find housing.. through the process.. but I have sever social anxiety that makes it very difficult.. and she wasn’t very nurturing about that I will tell you. If a problem came up where my anxiety made it difficult to do whatever the thing was… she would threaten…. and thus make my anxiety all the worse.. (thus pushing me into the suicidal area code)

I’m told that people in her position are over worked.. and I did get that impression…. and that a lot of what she does could come down to that.. and that this situation where I take her as manipulative.. could have to do with her being over worked and just not being able to spend enough time looking at the subject to see it clearly..

But I’m skeptical of all that.

What upsets me is here I was trying to take care of my father.. and then she steps in…. and if my father didn’t have Alzheimer’s and knew what was going on.. I can tell you that this is not how he’d want things handled.

The only thing I can think, really.. is that she thinks I think I can stay here indefinitely.. or should.. and she needs to show me that she’s serious.. and thus the serving of the notice to evict. That seems reasonable to me but…

Why she would think that I don’t know

She had helped to get me on disability… and apparently the social security office suggested that it would probably be best if I had a payee.. I guess is what it’s called.. so somehow it was as if I had been declared unfit to spend my own money, and she was suddenly in charge of my money.

I couldn’t believe this bullshit! How can someone just do this to you without even consulting you? How can you just be declared unfit to spend your money and so now you don’t have your money? All kinds of horrible things happened to me because I didn’t have that money… and that she could spend that money without me even being notified?

Sure.. she did this on my car insurance.. which is a reasonable thing.. but still.. that I don’t even know about it?

So there was this process to get me the money… or there was this lump sum as a part of the disability… and what ended up happening is.. the place I go for my therapist and psychiatrist.. and other things… also has a payee service.. so the idea was to get it transfered over… this transferring process has taken something like 8 months.. more then twice what it should have.. and who knows why….

So the thing is.. to move out.. I need that money for first and last months rent.. and whatever security deposit. So things had been held up by this.. or this is my understanding anyway.

So I don’t know.. that’s sorta the story as I understand it anyway.

I woke up about 6 early, cause my cat walked over me in bed.. I woke up wondering if he wanted something but he doesn’t seem to interested in getting me to do anything for him….

I’m hit by this queer anxiety feeling.. it’s a little bit as if you peered into a dream.. where in some very clear way your subconscious was telling you something that was sorta.. at odds with how you were thinking about things / believing… was the nature of… any number of things in your life..

I could try and give examples of some of these supposed insights, but they are really intangable feelings that seem to cluster around certain mental images… It’s as if our idea of reality had to do with how we tie together these image clusters and the feeling is like a suggestion of an alternative way of connecting the images together.. to create some other narrative…

And you only lightly feel that narrative tickling you’re cheek.. as you turn you’re head to try see that other reality.

I don’t if it’s real or imaginary… if I should wake up or go back to bed..

So.. I’m doing some modest upgrading…

I have a problem… with my computer.

I have one of these drobo’s, ya know them? What it is is.. you can plug in like 4 hard drives and the drobo… does redundant storage on those drives. Which means if you save something to the drobo.. it gets saves in multiple places.. on the different drives.. so if a drive fails, you still have you’re storage.. which is a good thing.

Anyway.. one of the drives in my drobo, a 500 GB drive, is failing.. off and on.. which makes it so that there’s basically like.. no free space on the Drobo at this point… just cause of how full it is with data… and.. when its that full.. it operates real slow.. and my photo library is on there.. and that slowness makes photo editing / post production… like impossible.

So what I figured I would do was to go and buy a 2 Terabyte drive… and I would use that to replace a 500 GB drive in my tower.. use that 500GB to replace the failing drive in the drobo.. I’d then have more space.. that I could sorta rearrange what’s on the drobo and what’s not… and I’d be good to go.

But.. even once I’d done that there’s still a kinda data problem: I have about 6500 GB or 6.5TB worth of drive space in my tower… and I don’t know.. a few TB in the Drobo..

Because of the data redundancy it’s like you have less space then the individual drives capacity… So lets say, I have I have 8 TB total.. just for shits and giggles.

Now how do you back up that much space? As in lets say there was a fire or something.. I’d loose it all. So, that’s kind of a serious issue, right? I mean I could burn DVDs and each of those can take about 4GB… so.. I would literally need to burn more then 1000 DVDs to back everything up.. if I had filled up all my drive space that is.

Clearly that wouldn’t work.

Not only that but its kind of a situation where you can just never have enough hard drive space, or I can’t, cause I’m working with 1080p video.. that eats up space like crazy.

It used to be.. on my older computers.. that I could back up whatever I had onto CD ROMs or DVD ROMs.. and I would need to do that just to clear out space.. but I have so much space now.. that I don’t need to that.. and never really do do that… so.. nothing is backed up beyond the Drobo…

Well.. so anyway.. I went to get a 2TB drive from Microcenter last night… and I was greeted by signs that said “because of the hard drive shortage we are limiting the sales of hard drives to 2 hard drives per household”

WTF?

Turns out.. in that one area of the world where all hard drives are made.. there’s been some serious natural disasters… so they can’t make them any more till they fix the problem.. and thus a shortage is coming.. and now is probably the best time to buy.. before the prices really start to go up.

And… well the prices, for 2 TB drives.. were already more then I could afford (more then they where 9 or so months ago when I picked up my last drive)… So.. what did I do? I bought a Blue Ray Burner..

This would be my first blue ray drive.. and.. turns out.. it’s about as much as the 2 TB drives used to be

But I’m still not sure if it’s going to work

The Blue Ray Issue

So.. a blue Ray disk, one sided, will give you 25 GB of storage… although there’s different formats and what not and some will give you more then 25 GB.. trouble is that bigger blue ray formats aren’t not yet being mass produced and so they are really too expensive to make sense.. in terms of the blank media for then..

However.. I was able to find 25 GB disks for a buck a pop.. which is really pretty cool.

Anyway so the problem…

I’m on a Mac.. and when they made Blue Ray… they put in this insane encryption scheme so people couldn’t pirate Blue Ray DVDs… and when I say insane I mean.. probably half of Microsoft’s.. the delay of the Vista Operating system.. what.. 4 or so years ago.. like have of that was probably because of the complexity of the encryption scheme.. and trying to work that into the operating system.

So Apple.. never built in to there operating system.. and thus you don’t see blue ray drives in Macintoshes. Steve Job was quotes as saying “Blue Ray is a world of hurt” as being the reason…

Well.. whatever.. the really ridiculous part of the encryption scheme is that it was cracked eons ago.. and there’s no getting around that movies are being pirated like mad these days…. so… nice going guys, right?

So the thing was.. because Apple doesn’t support the encryption scheme, can a Mac burn a Blue Ray? That’s probably up to the makers of the Blue Ray, if they want to go to the trouble of making Blue Ray drivers for the Mac, or something like that.

Well.. apparently.. you can’t really find Blue Ray burners that will work for the mac…

But.. but.. You can set up a Mac to boot into Windows..

Of course I have one little problem.. the only version of Windows I have is XP, which is from before they built the encryption scheme into windows… and.. I don’t have a spare drive to make the type of drive that will work with Windows for a boot disk.. so I can really only deal with this by virtualizing windows..

I’m told that… XP.. well I can burn a DVD from it, even if it doesn’t support the encryption.

But we’ll see.

The other thing is that this is an internal drive.. which I will have to install.

Mac Pro’s are set up with 2 drive bays.. for DVD players / burners.. but.. I don’t know why anyone would ever buy 2.. but.. point is I can apparently install this in the other bay.. and we’ll see how that works… but..

But I may just end up returning the drive.

Oh and the other issue is now my virtualizing software won’t work… thanks to my OS upgrade.. but I understand that’s an open source / free virtualizer out there somewhere… so I’ll have to be looking into that.

Its 3:33 AM

I’m about to hit the bed.. haven’t had enough to eat today… kinda a part of the.. stressing over what have you’s… and we got a significant snow storm going on outside.. and… I’m inside mostly working.

Todays project.. efforts…. were interested. I took a couple.. field recordings.. and sorta mixed them together.. to explore what I could do this way… and so far it’s been pretty interesting.. and as I experiment.. I come to some new thoughts.

I really really really.. need to jump off the deep end.. I need to explore outside of my comfort zones.. by huge amounts.. I’m always kinda doing that but I feel like…

Well I feel like what happens when you are totally out of you’re comfort zones? Suddenly.. you have to apply whatever it is that you do now.. to some other scenario … and maybe there in find something exciting…

But yeah.. I want to break free of what I’ve been doing.. and I want to do this in a lot of ways.. and I can kinda feeling coming.. if that quite makes sense..

but anyway.. this is late night ramblings and who knows what reality is anyway

I can’t say I was ever a big fan of Boy George.. I have a funny interview with Ozzy Osbourne, around here somewhere, where Ozzy praises Boy George’s act.. which is a slightly surreal thing into it’s self.

But…

Well these words started coming to me “Do you really want to hurt me, do you really want to make me cry.”

In not being a boy George fan.. I don’t really know what that song is about..

My imagination suggests that maybe its kind of a protest-e song.. that Boy George was kinda.. well “gender funny?” …For lack of a better term.. and so I imagine it’s like.. when we talk about rights for transgender, homosexual, and whatever other similar ilk stuff.. maybe Boy George is… sorta calling attention to an idea that the only reason you could be against it is cause you want to make him cry… which is to say it’s some kind of malice / oppression / whatever…

Of course for all I know.. the song is really a love song about love gone wrong.. ‘

Japanese style Karaoke vocals

I think the idea of Japanese style Karaoke vocals.. is… well a weird one.

I think.. if you’re a part of the American / Western / whatever.. cultural world.. the way you relate to that world can be deeply tied up with your sense of identity in that world.. “what’s your favorite movie, who’s you’re favorite rock star?” These kinds of questions seem to be about who you are.. what your identity is.

The Japanese Karaoke vocalist, on the other hand, isn’t a part of the same culture complex Boy George is a part of. So what he, or she, is responding to.. is the cultural artifact of Boy George.. without the “how it hangs together” (think Heidegger ) “inside of the culture complex” thing.. so it’s recontextualizing Boy George and there by imbuing new meaning.

(I know, funky Kung Fu style metaphysics)

In so doing, in a strange way.. the Karaoke vocal is a kind of celebration of spectical.. which seems sorta analogous to what Boy George was doing in the First place.

Death Metal

Metal.. of course.. is a kind of existential relationship to the forces of socialization. Boy George.. clearly.. had something to do with socialization.. because.. I mean this business of acceptable gender rolls of the time.. and all of that.. Boy George was kinda.. pushing against all that… so you can see the sorta analogous… well it’s like all the analogies rhyme.

So why I feel drawn to this mad idea

I think what’s going on in me.. is in part a collision of value systems.. between myself.. and the situation I find myself in.. that is in some way about my culture, my time, my society, my world…

It’s about how value systems frame reality.. and the power to frame reality is the power to define.. a thing one way or another.. and its my fight with this power structure… and what the power structure asks of us..

And that in here lys something central to my problems of the moment.

I’m having a hell of a time popping out a post…

So I don’t know..

Let me try and swing at something… see if anything decent comes out here…

I just ate part of a clearly toxic sandwich… this has been a rather epic food going back week… food that I just don’t get to in time.. and hating to let food go bad.. I try it.. even though it might have fallen a bit over the edge of edibility…

Something.. you can’t quite put your finger on it.. but something’s telling you “dear God, no, don’t eat that sandwich.” Like here you are.. really freaking hungry… and though there’s this sandwich in front of you… you somehow just “don’t feel like eating it.” You don’t why… it’s just what you’re feeling.

Ah… but perhaps you lack discipline? So you force your self to take a few more bights… and.. then… well its not half eaten now… but now.. I don’t know.. 15 or more minutes latter… there’s this feeling in my stomach of… well it’s not a good feeling… put it that way… I feel a cold sweet coming on.. my stomach aches… all subtle feelings.. .accept for that faint acidic feeling in your mouth suggesting you might throw up soon…..

So…

I’m thinking I probably shouldn’t attempt to eat any more of that sandwich…

So my mind turns to what else might be editable.

There’s some frozen stuff in the freezer I could defrost but..

Well I think cereal might have to be the answer.. but… what are the odds that the milk hasn’t gone bad? Well I should be able to work that out with a quick smell.

You know I really don’t feel well?

It’s 11: 14 PM, I just did the trash, and I’m real tired… and don’t feel like I really accomplished all that much today…

There’s a piece of music I’m working on that.. the going is slow on.. or it seems like it’s just hard to get me going on it.. On one level it seems like another break through piece.. in terms of.. well just the biography of my work… for lack of a better way of putting it.. and then on another level.. I feel like it’s kinda flawed.

1 18 AM:

I’m watching movies.. or just finished the end of Che part 1… some reflections on it..

I don’t understand a lot of the criticism Soderbergh got for this film…

One of the criticisms was that it was to unconventional / experimental. Seriously? It really doesn’t seem all that experimental to me.. and even if it was, is that such a bad thing? It doesn’t feel like a Hollywood film.. and I like that about it.

Another bit of criticism is that it was too long…  this criticism is strange.. because some of the things that is said is something a long the lines that… if a film is going to be this long it has to be “epic” and Che isn’t really epic.

Well first of all, why does it have to be epic if its this long? Secondly.. we are used to certain conventions around film length that have to do with the economics of movie theaters… You go watch a Kurosawa film..  those are long to.. and not necessarily epic…

A film isn’t too long, in my view.. based purely on the length of the film.. what makes a film too long is.. well it has more to do with how the film is put together, structure.. it’s often a situation of lazy editing.. where a film should be edited down to something smaller.. more concise.. but.. that has more to do with concision then length.. if you quite get me.

What else was it criticized for?

Well a bunch of things.. I’m still sorta exploring the criticism…

I don’t really know much about the actual person of Che.. or why he’s such a controversial figure… and I kinda wish this film dealt with that a little more.. or that there was a film about him that dealt with it..

It does seem like there’s a certain group of people who are critical of the film because for political reasons.. because they don’t like Che’s politics. Well.. I can’t say that I know Che’s politics.. but some of this criticism wreaks of overt ideological bullshit.. The kind of point of view that says if you try to render an ethical critique of American capitalism.. you’re are communist.. and if you are a communist or Marxist.. you’re automatically evil…

I think the subject of Marx and Communism and.. the unaligned Cuba.. the cold war… all this stuff.. is incredibly complex.. and.. well I guess I’m against over simplification of it.. and I’m kinda getting, more and more… to the point where I really think that most of the real anti-marx / communism stuff in America has a whole lot more to do with elites trying to rationalize there power then it has anything to do with what economic / political systems might be just or pragmatically functional or… any of that stuff.

I mean yes, Stalin.. was evil.. Lenin.. who was.. no saint ether.. on his death bed is thought to have… well was scared about Stalin coming to ultimate power. Ulitimately I think that problems have more to do with the structure of power.. then philosophical stuff….

[editors note: I see philosophy and ideology as totally different things.. philosophy is like.. and effort to forward human thought.. put it that way, where as ideology has to with trying to get your way]

But as I say… this is complicated stuff, and a long conversation.

2 42 AM:

I must sleep..

I just got through reading a whole lot on the subject of Marxism-Leninism on Wikipedia…

To my way of thinking.. from a philosophical perspective.. and purely based on what I just read.. Marxism-Leninism.. which is basically Stalinism… is unbelievably stupid.. I mean to be a modern person and believe in that kinda ideological stuff as a means for organizing people?

On the other hand.. it is not totally barren of virtues.

Growing up I was always a little dubious of.. the cold war and the American position in that.. it seemed like a tool of control for the Republicans.. I thought this during Reagen and Bush Sr. (mind you I was very young at the time.. was in high school when the wall fell).. I felt like the sorta view of the evil of the Soviet’s was just the typical American spiritual immaturity of projecting one’s shadow onto the other.. kind of the ultimate personification of ignoring the 2 by 4 in you’re eye to focus on the splinter in the other fellows eye…

I wish I understood Marxism and Communism better.. but who wants to read all of Marx’s stuff? But the history of communism is fascinating to me.. in part because there is this kind of idealistic utopianism to it.. (even if Stalinism was against idealism)…

I’ve always thought the materialism of Marxism was a problem.. and the kind of.. attitude towards religion you find in Marx.. and in communism as it manifested… I mean to some degree you can see why you might be against religion.. the way that religion can seem like.. well like a kind of mind control or something…

And if you look at the history of Russia.. the roll of the Church in Russia played a major roll in holding Russia bad for an awful long time.. and when you look at Marxist time period.. it does seem to be a period where progress seems to be a thing about “going beyond religion.”

The issue, from my view, is a certain way of tying together Freud, Darwin, and Marx.. a kind of.. believe that you can find a materialistic answer to everything… and it seems to be a part of the kind of Nietzschean movement to try and form a foundation of values away from the Church.

To some extent.. why yes.. looking for a basis of understanding in material reality makes a whole lot of sense.. but.. what you get in this kind of materialism.. is something that has to do with the way ideas can have a life of there own.. inside of a kind of dialectical cultural evolutionary process… Which will swing you away from what actually makes sense.. like… we are reacting to what we are trying to overthrow, intellectually, and so are still under the influence of the power of that thing..

Anyway, enough of this… time for sleep

I’m find that I like some of my half crazed posts.. like there’s a strength to that somewhere.. I never know if it’ll be a good post or a bad post.. till after the fact.. after the publish button is hit.. and the embarrassment comes.. of reading those lines you made public.

It’s not being nude in public that bothers me.. that you might know this or that dark secret.. so much as how poorly the craft of my putting it, explaining, telling it.. that’s what really gives me the horrors… “Oh did I really write that crappy sentence, please God, say it aint so.”

Yeah.. that’s kinda how my psyche rolls

Well anyway, it’s a Saturday night..

Behind me is a Pizza Box.. Papa Ginos.. close readers will of course wonder “how the fuck could you afford that?” But thats not even to speak of the sub or the salad… My Aunt Jackie, whom lives in another state.. far far away.. ordered a delivery for me.. and oh my god what a wonderful feeling… it’s hard to quite express.

Jesus

Over and over again I find my mind turning to old and new testament times. It’s not that I’m a religious freak… I tend not to hate the bible thumpers.. but being poor.. somehow gives those books new resonances.. and suddenly I understand certain things Jesus was saying.. and certain things God was saying.. or this or that prophet was saying… that I didn’t before.

See the deal is.. 2000 years ago.. the margin between life and death was.. well it was a riskier world then it is today… Today you get arrested if you don’t ware a seat belt.. in those days of yor.. well… lets just say people weren’t running around saying “safety first.” I mean what exactly would that do to the great sport of gladiators? Hell, now we don’t even let chickens fight, right?

Updates on Recent Hells

So what happens when you’re poor… is shit is different… lets take this car problem as an example.

I run out of gas.. cause I don’t got the money. I’m on disability.. cause I got sever social anxiety.. which makes shit like phoning people.. very difficult.. and.. well ok.. I came to depend on people.. maybe in ways I shouldn’t have… or… I don’t know what exactly.. but because of how long it was till I got help finding out where my car was and what the deal was… and because of how much it costs to keep the car in the lot.. I now couldn’t afford to get my car out.

Let me explain.. I had.. something like $380 in the bank.. I think.. which is.. like most of my monthly disability check.. and I’m hit with.. the cost of getting the car out is $400… I’m missing $20.. and there’s no one I feel comfortable (remember that anxiety) asking for $20 from.

So.. I can’t get it out, and I got a ticking clock now.. $35 a day.. I eventually sell my Duet.. an audio interface.. that’s rather nice.. and I sell that.. and the money from that.. plus what’s in my bank.. gives me enough money.. plus like.. I don’t know.. maybe an extra $10 or $15 if I was lucky… and.. it’s not even the half way mark of the month, and how am I going to afford to get through the month, and I have no credit…..

Now lets talk about this a bit

I feel like this is all 100% bullshit. I mean if we view it from an ethical point of view. How I ran out of gas, had to walk 7.6 miles to get to a bed.. ended up sleeping through the next day.. as soon as I get up.. I start the adventure of trying to find it.. only to find that its been towed…

So.. why is it towed? It says “tress passing” on the reason.. but there was no way for me to tell that.. at that night.. not as far as I can tell.. could tell.. but I didn’t have gas, so didn’t have choice.

There’s nothing I did legally wrong.. something bad happened to me.. where I ran out of gas.. and then the system decides to fuck me up the ass that much more.

And the cost.. the cost is more then a month’s pay check.

A typical person.. even if they had my anxiety.. well what percentage of you’re monthly pay check is $540? It’s more then a month’s of mine.

So my point is.. because I’m so poor.. I get remed for this.. and if I didn’t sell something fast enough.. I’d never get my car back… $35 a day.. and an unwillingness to negotiate.. is fucking wrong as far as I can tell.

Without a car.. living out here in the suburbs.. you can’t go grocery shopping.. you can’t do anything.. you can’t survive.

So i felt like fuck it.. I mean I’m just so dark.. anyway.. so deep in the hole… in depression.. in this poverty place.. in not coping with it.. that I just… lost the will to live really. I just wanted it all to go away.. but had fight through it less it all falls apart.

Now lets talk about people a little bit

Could I have asked you for help? Who could I ask for help? For $20? How about those people who called to get my car towed?

When you look at how bad shit is.. and how people treat people.. it’s like..

Well I’m not running around asking for hand outs. I’m just saying.. .

It seems to me that it’s wrong how the system treated me in this instance. I mean it shows how the legal system, and our system.. how depending on what social economic strata you standing.. how you get treated.. it’s not just question of color of skin.. there’s all kinds of prejudices…

And if you’re not poor you probably don’t know about this shit.

America the Ugly

Now I want us all to take a pause here and think about our country.. . think about America. We are a rich fucking country… compared to me.. in my sub poverty state… but me, in my sub poverty state.. this hell… that’s nothing compared to how some people live in other parts of the world.. and how we, as a country, treat the rest of the world.. how we treat the least among us.. to echo Jesus… this is something to really think about in all our foreign policy.

I don’t fucking understand nationalistic politics. I don’t understand why I should give a shit about illegal immigrants.. in the sense of being upset about there presence here.. I’m fucking part Cherokee Indian.. so excuse me for thinking it’s a dick headed move to get upset about this.. least not to you give back my people’s lands, you dig?

But also this attitude of caring about America’s well being.. so far beyond how much we care about the rest of the world. Yes.. yes.. yes.. I car about my Americans.. I feel a special spiritual bond.. even with the Assholes of America.. even with the people I can’t stand.. politically or other wise.. we are all American’s… I feel that deep in my soul… it’s who we are.

But what we will get.. in terms of our long term well being.. our grandchildren’s children’s grand children.. we will reap what we sow…

It fucking matters.

America is a sick country. Do you not feel the sickness? Look at our politics!!! Tell me, what the fuck is that? And look at our TV News coverage of the politics!!! What the fuck is that? How can we not think we are a sick country with shit like that going on.

Really.. you want to get rid of more laws… you think laws are the problem… that they are getting in the way of business… getting in the way of the banks doing there epic fails… getting in the way of our TV coverage of politics.. that dominates the debate… getting in the way of it.. of it’s self actualizing.. into the epically giant steaming turd of it’s dreams…

Yeah.. ok

Swallow idealogical swill

It’s 11 49 PM

I’m in bed..   there’s a blanket over my head.. the room is dark save the dirty computer screen.. and the temperature is a bit warmer then I would like… even though it was a cold day today.

I’m sitting here… having just watched a movie.. and thinking… about a good many things.

One thing I’m thinking about is the ideas people have of us. Seems like.. everyone… right up to the people with whom we have our most intimate of relationships with… all the way to us… all have ideas about who we are.

Sometimes to me these ideas seem almost like a net.. some kind of cage.. some collective mind control that helps assure we don’t get too much genus around here..

I find myself fighting the perceptions I have.. of people’s perceptions, of me. Can you dig that? What a hall of mirrors!

But this seems to be the way of things…. the darker side of the collective perhaps?

Good and evil… I’ve always had a hard time with the idea of Good and Evil..  black and white.. it’s not to say I deny the possibility of it or the reality of it.. I just am often quite skeptical of how people attribute things to good or evil, or good and evil to things.

This is actually been one of the primary preoccupations of my life.. and mind.

When us.. us humans… I think of.. these different sides.. that there are sides that are… dark and..

Well I burrow that Jungian notion of the shadow.. Freud’s Unconscious… a side of our being that in many ways is like a small child.. the unrealized potential of who we could be or are.. but.. to talk in this way..  is asking for some grand thesis… or something….

But I notice, what it is that I’m trying to get at, in myself all the time. Do you ever feel evil in your heart? Some bit of selfishness where you put your wishes and wants before the next person.. and do so in a way that’s… lets say ethically questionable?

So there are many things that will set this off.. Jealousy, lust, greed, pride.. etc… and the evil… in our hearts.. can be like.. just little evils, ya know?

Like a little evil could be a look you give someone… or…. many other things.

But what’s interesting is.. we nearly always rationalize it, always cover it up… and come to believe there was no evil there in the first place.. and even I, now… telling you about this.. this small bit of evil… well you might not think it very significant.. after all.. the evil here is small.. it sure as hell ain’t Hitler sized….

Well now I want you to imagine that this tiny bits of evil.. it’s like a pixel on your computer screen… and in how we are all as humans connected… so it is.. that via principles of social psychology… that probably haven’t been discovered yet… Evil… can present a picture to you… by using all the people in your life as a vehicle..

I know.. this is crazy talk… and it would take a lot of explaining… and its too late for me to dip into all of this madness… I just wanted to point it out.

And… and that these are those forces of socialization… that seek to inhibit human potential.. this is the mind control