I think I must have posted the last thing I wrote? About the kinda.. out of control bad economic situation I find myself in? Yeah.. well there’s new developments… and I don’t know how this cookie will crumble but..

So last night I decided I would go to the Bone.. You know.. when you only have $9 to you’re name.. that kinda thing sounds a little like madness.. but the truth is.. well it’s sorta primary social experience for me at the moment.. and if I lay low economically.. as low as I’m able.. it can be like the only expense going on..

Of course that means I never leave my house but…. .

So last night was a “cave night” and.. on the way back from said cave.. having, in some state of confusion.. started going the wrong way (I don’t really know the area so well,) and having turned back… my car ran out of gas.

Err…

The Long Walk Home

Consulting Google Maps it looks like it’s 7.6 miles from where I ran out of my gas to where I live. I walked that distance… starting around 3 or so in the AM.. got home around 9-ish I believe..

Along the way of the walk back it would get too be too much and I would just collapse.. at one point Laid down on top of a bunch of grocery carts.. to try and get some shelter from the rain.. and it seemed whenever my eyes shut.. I’d loose my balance a bit.. sorta falling off into sleep that easily…

Eventually I was out side this liquor store.. it was the only place where you could see on the ground a place where there was no really wetness.. I was just trying to rest me feet… a little bit.. I had found.. or maybe this is when I would find.. that if I rested enough.. and then got back up and got going.. the walking would hurt a whole lot less for the next.. however long..

Anyway it was at this point that a police officer stopped me.. she goes “are you ok.” And.. I don’t what it was.. my answer was sorta a yea as if to say “well I’m still alive.” or something.. as if to say there were no serious health issues going on that I knew of.. but I most certainly was not ok.. and at this point would have given anything for a ride home.. even where.. I was about 9/8ths of the way home by this point.

So somehow.. there was a bad reaction from her.. of the.. integration sort.. when you don’t hear you’re interrogator quite right.. and they think you’re trying to buy some time to think up a story… and so come at you hard…

err, not that I have a lot of experience with that sorta thing.

Well anxiety didn’t let me ask for a ride home.. and I as awful out of it anyway… and I don’t know.. I tried to explain what happened and I don’t think she totally heard me.. or understood me..

She laughed part way though my explanation with a laugh that seemed.. I don’t know.. somehow encouraging to me….

With that I ended up walking the rest of the way… and.. time after time I’d see her cruiser drive by.. or she’d stopped someone somewhere at a gas station.. her lights all going crazy…

So I got the sense I was being watched.. I don’t if it was because I was suspicious in someway.. I really didn’t give a shit if I was.. I figured.. I was so tired… so out of it, so drained.. that I could just collapse there.. somewhere.. and it would be better if there was a police officer there to… revive me or whatever…

Upon Getting Home

I couldn’t fucking believe I had walked all that way.. I didn’t think I’d ever see my home again.. I was just like thank god… I went straight to bed.. which disappointed my cat a bit.. and messaged my therapist to say I would most certainly be missing my appointments.

I had two appointments today actually.. the first one was about getting a primary care doctor.. The day before I had gone to this health clinic cause.. well my eczema had gotten so back.. I mean jesus, they gave me about a weeks worth of cream and I still can’t clench my fists…

It’s just a lot of pain.. sometimes blood.. sometimes this burning all over you’re body makes it hard to sleep at night.. it just sucks all the way around.. its gotten out of control.. and without a doctor.. i couldn’t get more then a weeks subscription.. which probably wasn’t even enough for a week.. and it wasn’t really the good stuff…

Though that wasn’t the primary reason I had the appointment about getting a doctor today…

Yesterday I had a kind of epic therapist session.. somehow my therapist had gotten confused about the time.. so instead of it being an hour session it was a two hour session somewhere in there she asked if I wanted to come in today.. which.. made sense.. cause.. oh well it’s a long story but anyway….

So yeah, messaged her…

And with that I think just rolled over and was instantly dead to the world.

Upon Waking Up

I made myself a sandwich.. I’m still tired and out of it, and still have no idea what to do about my situation.

For starters.. I don’t have any money to put into the car.. to move the car.. from where it is.. and I don’t really know who the hell I could call for help.. never mind that I don’t really have a phone.. and if I did I have a phone phobia.. so I have no fucking idea what I’m going to do about getting the car…

And to make matters worse.. I don’t know when I’m going to be getting the money.. I mean it could be a week or longer away

Mean while it’s in this kind of parking space.. not parked quite right.. a residential whatever..  who knows if it’ll end up towed.. God knows I wouldn’t able to afford that.. I mean I couldn’t fucking afford the gas and thats why I ended up stranded there… in the first place… I didn’t really know how low the needle could go….