Why that’s a disturbing dream

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I’m crazy messed up tired. It’s creeping up on 8 PM.. I have about an hour before I have to get going… to project advanced… A place where they help folks with mental health issues get work.

I’m so crazy messed up tired because.. last night.. like many other nights… of recent date, I  had a hard time sleeping. If I’m lucky I’ve had 4 hours of sleep.

I was having this dream where I punch my dad.. over and over again.. didn’t seem like I was doing much good.. turn him over.. and his under side looked like his brain had been knocked out.

This freaked me out.. and I was quite sure I had killed him. My mother was there witnessing the whole thing. I stand up and look around.. trying to figure out what I should do. Should I try to hide the body? The thought comes to me that.. I should just calm down… that there isn’t really a rush to do anything with the body.

It’s around this point that I realize my mom is getting my dad on this thing so he can be brought to the hospital…  and first I freak out thinking “oh what the fuck, they’ll know it was me!” And it seems like what my mom is doing is setting up conditions to force me onto this path.

I don’t know if she’s doing this consciously or not.. I have the feeling that she was just sorta looking at him and thinking what to do for him, and not worrying about my plight so much.

I want to pose the question of what to do about the body to her…  I obviously didn’t mean to kill him.. but now look what kinda trouble I’m going to get in.. do you want to loose both of us?

I don’t know that I actually made that argument.. but in the dream I’ve formulated the argument.. and it all seems obvious to me.. and anyway my mother seems to hold no animosity towards me over the event.

On the.. its like a stretcher or something.. That my mom has moved him to.. I can see he’s still alive.. which shocks me and I think…”well what the hell, maybe we should get him to the hospital?” Maybe they could help him and then I’m in much less trouble right? But I’m still not really sure..

Earlier.. when I had said to my self “no wait a minute, don’t have to freak out about this, no rush in moving the body” I..  looked around the room to see what kinda condition it was in. It was a grimy place we were living in.. blood all over the place… not from me hitting him now… but blood from the past. A lot of the blood was my blood… some was my dad’s, and no doubt some might have been my mom’s,.. but then I say that after waking up.

In the dream I think about how we could move the body and clean up whatever evidence and no one would be the wiser. At some point I think the thought crosses my mind that it would be hard to put me away for murder if there was no body.

The next part of the dream seem’s like… we are moving through crowded streets.. trying to get my father to the hospital.. when for one reason or another… I start punching someone.. some random person. It doesn’t seem like there’s any damage so I think I got to do it some more.. but figure I should be careful less I kill him… and so I pull away… or this is when I wake up.

Also.. once my mom had gotten my dad on the stretcher.. and he’s moving around.. I’m shocked to see him alive.. thinking maybe there’s some hope after all. I move forward to him… and you can tell from the way he’s behaving that he, at this point, has quite bad brain damage.

When I woke up from the dream, I look up at the clock. It said 7 30.. and I thought “fuck, I may be late.. maybe I had fucked up setting up the alarm… I make the effort to see what time the alarm was set for.. and I had set it for 8. Normally it would be set to 7.

So I just kinda roll over.. and eventually get up… but only barely.. I need my 8 hours, I’m lucky if I got 4, and I think recently I didn’t get enough sleep… so I think I have a whole lot of uncaught up sleep on my hands.

I don’t really know what my dream is about at this point. To figure that out I’d have to sit here analyzing it… and I don’t really have the time for that… I don’t even have time to edit and post this post.

random post

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I’m feeling somehow light headed and jouncing for a smoke… this light headed feeling feels like I’m coming down with something… I seem to feel like this often… I bet my piss poor diet isn’t helping (I have been working to make it better lately).

Well.. I think I’m going to go to bed.. what a short post ha? I should start making them… short posts I mean.. or I don’t know.. another time I’ll spend thinking about this…

On the Bad Sphincter Oedipus project: The Experience of Trying for Greatness.

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It’s funny how easily you can fiddle away hours of the day with a guitar in your hand.. trying to write some song, trying to get so you can play some thing… competently.. Trying to get so you can play something with fire.

I find I get a musical idea.. and the idea is like a riff.. or it’s some kinda… bunch of notes that go together a certain way.. a progression..  and I find myself asking stupid questions.. of it.. as I work.

“Are you any good?” You know.. here’s this thing you’re working on and you have this insecure anxiety thing going on.. like you wonder if you’re “doing it right” and you don’t know how to give your self the authority to define what is right or what is not..

And anyway it’s always hard to know when you’re working on something that is beyond you. You have some set of notes.. this progression.. this thing.. and you can’t play it.. you gotta sit down and train your fingers to do the right thing.. you gotta somehow get it so you can do it.. and you gotta work at it, work at it, work at it… and it won’t be until you got it.. down… that you can then judge what it is, or have some judgement of what it is.

And the problem is.. you’re trying to be creative.. and until you’ve gotten to a place where you can play the thing.. you don’t know if you need to adjust the thing, or what the deal with the thing is.. or whatever..

And this thing you’re working on… this progression.. you know it’s going to take days to get it so you can play the thing right… days of hours spent working on it.. and you just don’t know what you’re pouring your energy into.. if there’s a pay off somewhere.

And then I find myself trying out the variations.. I can’t play the damn thing.. but this part of it, or that part of it… it’s like a bunch of little parts strung together.. and you work on the variations of the parts.. and you come to realize.. that the whole progression.. is like this coherent musical idea.. That there’s this kinda thing.. that’s going on with it.. that there is, indeed, something going on with it.

Is what’s going on good or great?

I don’t think that far out.. I just ask if there’s something going on.. I understand that… to achieve something great is going to take a lot of work.. and if I at least have something going on, well that’s something.. It’s like at least you’re on the trail of something.

Psycho-creativity

There’s this element of the unconscious… it’s like panning for gold.. you’re looking for an expression of something…  It’s like life.. is about all these things coming into contact with one another… forces of the universes, ideas in the collection.. where ever you sit in the scheme of things, the destiny of your DNA…

And it’s like there’s a story there.. Like the stories of our lives are not stories we write.. meaning is not what we write, it is more like it is something that happens to use. We are just there to file the report on the thing.. or..

So one way to think of it is that you’re experience of life is moment strung into moment.. it’s your mind looking outward, looking inwards… it’s reflection, it’s.. the experience of some interaction with the world.. it’s just moments… and the moments you tie together in a narrative.. This raw stuff.. somehow gets organized.. into a sense… There’s patterns in it you recognize… there’s this way… that you’re just sorta there.. experiencing experience…

And some of this.. you could say it’s like the conscious mind.. and our sense of story of anything is a kind of mythology.. identity is a kind of mythology… and whatever else.. or it’s like.. the apparatus which makes the sense of it.. the construct of psyche and biology.. it it’s self is an effect of a cause.. or effects of causes.. complexed together..  and in that way you.. you’re will… has nothing really to do with it.

And so this meaning happens to you..

And anyway… so one day you’re sitting around with a guitar in your hand and you’re trying to write something.. You don’t know what you’re going to write.. you don’t know how it goes.. you’re just stringing things together..

But the stringing together has a kind of pattern.. it has “organizational principles” and those organizational principles are like the mirror’s of the apparatus that’s driving.. in a conspiratorial fashion… with the outer world.. experience. It’s as if destiny was nothing more the the unfolding of the organizational principles.

So the patterns in the sounds are the patterns that make coherent a story… and what happens is.. that particular thing thats going on in that particular progression you’re working on… you may have no idea what you’re doing… but it corresponds to something… and it’s like.. you have your finger on some giant complex.. and you’re going to pull on it.. and bring it into the world.. in the form of this art you’re making… this song.

And.. you realize.. that whatever the inspiration was that started out this song.. this thing.. that it is like you asked a question to God or the universe.. and the inspiration was it answering.. and you being a good medium.. that’s you being a good listener.. to the universe.. that’s you.. forming a good relationship with God.. with the universe.. This is what you gotta do..

I mean.. we gotta find the harmony.. between our selves and life and the universe and whatever… we gotta find a way of living in relationship to experience.. to.. the phenomenology of whatever… and really.. this is about all that we can do…

Or.. that’s what I’m writing right now anyway.

On the subject of software piracy in the music production world

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I was going through the help section of some software I haven’t used in a while and am having a hard time figuring out (Melodyne DNA)… and there was a link to a site wasn’t immediately familiar with… IMSTA.ORG. This is a trade association for music software developers, apparently.. and it seems to be mainly about stopping piracy.. which… is certainly an issue in terms of the health of the music production software ecosystem…

But here’s the report.. or a graph from the report they did back in 2007.

And Here’s what bugs me:

When the average citizen of the USA (or any country for that matter) buys a computer, 99% of them pay little or no attention to the quality of the sound that is coming from the built-in electronics. Today, the sound of the average computer rivals that of the audiophile CD players from 10 years ago. So the bottom line for most people is that this is more than good enough for games, movies, mp3 and other aspects of normal computer life.

Seriously? Umm.. that’s total bullshit. The average computer has ultra crappy speakers.. there’s nothing “audiophile” about it.. And it’s not clear what the hell “sound card means.” I’d imagine the average hardcore gamer might think about a sound card that would facilitate 5.1 surround sound or.. something like that..  In many cases you might need some kinda sound card just to hook up your computer to decent speakers..  and um…  I think we in the biz now use the term “audio interface” now.

What bugs me about this is that I feel like graphs like this muddy the waters.. they’re not really educating me.. and I’m not really getting a sense of the impact of piracy on the industry.

Also… I know a lot of podcasters.. starting in around 2004.. who use audio interfaces with open source stuff.. or they use Garageband.. and for that matter.. you could see someone buying a Mac who might want an audio interface.. to go play with garageband.. but might not actually buy anything of the serious professional sort.

How Much Music Production Software and Interfaces Really cost

How much does music software cost? In the years mentioned.. I would say it probably cost $500 and up.. and today probably.. well you can get Logic for $200 last I checked…. I think fuitloops is around $100.. or whatever they’re calling it these days.. and Reaper is under $70. How much do audio interfaces cost? And how much did audio interfaces cost?

In the 90s.. a professional audio interface was like $1000.. and the software was probably around $800.. so basically you would spend $2000 + the computer to get started… (and you needed the most powerful computers around.. so at least $3k on the computer) and today you can get a basic audio interface.. that’s kinda on a par with that $1K interface of yesteryear.. for like $100…

So the numbers are just miss leading and you don’t really know what the hell is really going on.

And I don’t totally understand.. like if you spend.. $175, based on there ratio.. and then spend a bit under $250 (say each interface + Logic),.. that doesn’t show that piracy is going on?

How I sorta imagine the markets look

The beginners set up

You have someone who “wants to get into music production.” Even if the person in question is relatively serious about it.. when they start out.. they’re going to want to spend as little money as possible.. cause stuff’s expensive…. like.. err beyond the computer you need:

  1. Audio Interface
  2. Controller
  3. DAW
  4. Audio Monitors / Speakers
  5. Acoustic Treatment
  6. Probably good headphones
  7. Microphones

How much do you think that’s going to cost you?

Another words.. the only software you are probably going to buy.. if you are serious enough to understand that the above list is what you need to spend your money on.. and monitors might be the most important thing.. along with acoustic treatment.. is a DAW.

The intermediate Set Up

Ok.. great.. so lets move on.. and lets say you’ve been making music on your computer for like a year.. and now you want to get more serious… now what?

It breaks down different ways, I bet.. like if you are interested in producing rock and roll.. where you put your money is different then if you’re doing electronica.

Rock

For Rock.. I don’t know.. DAW + Waves Gold.. on sale for like $400… is probably more then good enough for the average rock dude.. who really wants the microphones, the preamps, might be thinking about amount of i/o… maybe even a/d conversion.

An average conversation with someone on Gear Slutz.. for a Mac user runs something like “oh, yeah, get a Apogee Duet for a little north of $500″ and now we’re already talking about a situation where your audio interface costs twice what Logic costs.. and then it’s onto preamps.. microphones.. maybe compressors?

Electronica / Hip Hop

In electronic music I think it’s totally different.. like number one.. if you’re making it with just software you could possibly skip even getting an interface! I mean just use headphones right?

You probably… a year or so in.. it’s like DAW + Komplete.. and Komplete’s like $500.. so now your up to around $1000 on software.. and I don’t know.. get the damn Duet, right? (So now the interface to software money spent ration is roughly 1:2)

So I guess what i’m trying to get at is that audio interface.. if we are talking about the type for music production.. the ratio… if you’re buying software legitimately… I’d guess that the lion’s share of the market is people who… will get a basic interface and a DAW.. and then what I’m describing above.. obviously it depends on what you want to do.. where the money goes… but still in a large percentage of cases.. that’s still consistent with the ratio above!

Masters of the Universe

Ok.. now lets roll up our sleeves and talk about real producers… and folks whom are profession, aspiring professional.. or amateurs whom are of the serious sort!

Ok.. lets say you get an Apogee Ensemble or a Universal Audio Apollo for your interface.. So now were talking $2000… Your DAW is probably $500. You could probably get the whole waves Mercury deal for.. I don’t know what it is on sale.. but lets say somewhere north of $3000.

Err, that’s a pretty serious set up you got right there..  and you’re still not quite spending twice the amount on software as you are your interface… but lets say you’re doing electronic music so you got your self Komplete Ultimate.. so now it is around twice as much on software…

Obviously.. with the cost of upgrades.. you’re probably spending more on the software, over time, relative to the cost of the interface… then what I’m indicating.

I don’t really know how it breaks down.. I mean it would seem like serious computer music making folks would spend more on the software.. but still.. if you’re doing electronic music.. you might want a real analog synth..

And then there’s the Media Composer Scene

Not yet getting consistent work / trying to break in

If you were interested in becoming a Media Composer.. which is to say you want to professionally score films, TV, adds, and video games… suggestions…

  1. Komplete Ultimate
  2. Zebra is it? I mean that that famous films composer dude uses?

I don’t know if it went much further then that.. but lets add Omnisphere… and then focus on Orchestral sounds

I don’t know what Orchestral libraries are going for.. but in general.. you’d prefer to get many small libraries then one big library.. so that you have more ability to blend the sounds.. and so have more sonic flexibility.

Ok.. so Komplete Ultimate 9 now comes with Session Strings Pro.. which is like Motown String.. there’s a selection of stuff from the Vienna Symphony Library.. There’s now “Action Strings” and.. I believe it’s called Session Brass.. To that I would add.. is it called the Garritan Personal Orchestra? That’s probably the cheapest orchestral library going… for I think $250? might be less then that…

And lets say.. you were kinda serious so in addition to that you got.. lets say Quantum Leap.. err.. I don’t really know.. the name of it.. but they have reasonable bundles and I think there basic Orchestral library is in the $500 area..

So that’s maybe $2,500… plus you’re DAW so lets say $3000.. and I bet you’re still getting a nice interface… but I’d say you could get away with a Duet… so ok.. now you’re spending 6 times as much on software as your interface..

Masters of the Universe

Now.. this is a strange zone.. because what I’m describing is here is… well not bare bones.. but not exactly what a total professional would be using..

The total pro dude.. who’s maybe doing hollywood films.. Is probably running a multi computer rig.. and the software they are using is probably a few times the cost of the above mentioned set up.. and.. the interface scheme.. I think you can move audio over ethernet.. or that’s the usual thing for multi-computer set ups.. but it used to be that you’d need multiple interfaces.. and you’d probably want the ability to synchronize clocks.. and mainly you’re light piping stuff around.. so.. you probably only want one really good interface… and the the others are a good deal cheaper.. but.. you’re probably not spending less then a few grand on your interfaces….

So the ratio… strangely.. is maybe not that different.

Conclusion

To sum up… the smallest part of the market is the more hardcore folks.. whom.. might have a little bit more expensive set ups then what I’m describing.. at least on a software level.. so.. my guess… is if you were to do a statistical analysis of folks doing music production… and what there needs are, and what the cost of legitimate systems are… it seems to me that the graph… they’re using.. could be an argument for “no, actually there’s very little piracy going on.”

I’m not saying there’s very little piracy going on.. Perhaps naively, for a number of reasons I won’t go into here.. I tend to believe that there really isn’t that much piracy going on.. and that the effect that piracy has on software sales is probably a good deal less then that even… but I’m probably totally wrong.

Ether way.. however you want to slice it… there numbers don’t really prove anything.. and upon critical scrutiny feels like little more then sophistry to me.

I still believe.. that it’s a good thing for there to be organizations trying to get people to use software legitimately.. and it is someone funny the way they say

“Do the right thing – ‘buy the software you use’”

It almost feels like they’re saying “yeah, sure, use pirated software to demo software, works for us.” I think I’ve actually ‘heard’ of the above quite being found on pirated software download read me files.

Here’s a post: Update

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I often seem to post more when I don’t have internet, maybe this will continue here? In practice there’s a crap load of things I want to say but I don’t really feel like hanging out in this car for any longer then I have to: I must get back to work… and or get something to eat. But I do think its a good time for an update.

The most exciting thing I have going is DP8.. I’ve posted about it previous to this, about why I wanted to get my hands on it, and what my expectations were and blah blah blah. I still don’t have the bridge that lets me use 32-bit plugs with my 64-bit plugs.. which is what is really sorta needed to understand what the implications of the move is but.. let me just say a few things.

HOLY CRAP!!! Yeah.. that’s my reaction. You see the limits of 32-bits to access RAM was the biggest limiting factor on what I can do with my computer by way of music production… And, as it turns out, sample based instruments very often use less processor resources then virtual synths… what this means is not only can I use a freaking crap load of sample based instruments, but I can also use a crap load more instruments then I other wise could.. so it’s like a really big power update.

Another running theme here has been working without the benefit of my of my 32-bit plugs.. the stuff I normally rely on.. and I have to say that transition has been very painful.. but I’m starting to get to a place where I’m kinda learning ways of dealing.. and I think I’m growing in new ways as a result, so that’s pretty cool.

Also, since updating DP8.. it was pretty big.. and I find I’m doing a whole lot more work.. making more progress with my music.. so this is perhaps the biggest thing.

I’ve had a chance to sorta start playing with some of the new features of DP8.. but it’s still all very new to me… and I’m really just starting..

Onto other subjects

There’s goals I have for making a music and art career work, how to get out of poverty, and all this sorta thing… and basically this stuff is slowly starting to come into a little better focus.. I’m beginning to see, in a kind of tangible way, the path forward…

Anyway.. there’s more to tell but I gotta get going… and must edit this

Internet-less-adventures: Cold realities: and the pain of one dear to me

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I’m in a car outside a fast food restaurant in the snow.. a sizable amount of snow which.. between tonight and tomorrow, at least based on the last bit I heard about this, could be enough to snow me in.. so this is my last chance to get internet for a while.. and I need to hit the grocery store so as to make sure I have food for the snowed in period.

Right now I’m just sorta hanging out here waiting for podcasts to finish downloading.

My anxiety and depression and mental health has gone deeply south from the isolation resulting from loss of internet.

I’m fucking hungry… should i just go into the fast food joint? No, can’t really afford it.

DP8 I now have coming my way. Its scary because I’m not sure if my bank account notice, which I used to base my conclusion “why yes, I can afford this upgrade” on was based on.. might, as it turns out, be wrong.. as my web hosting bill was auto paid as of a couple days prior to my last account status report so to speak… and I don’t have the ability to check in with the bank and..

Yeah.. difficult places all around.

Still.. the coming of DP8 is something to be excited about. There’s a second bit of software I’ll need in order to run 32-bit plugs in the 64-bit environment.. is pretty critical.. but.. for now I live.

A few latter:

My feet feel frost bitten.. and given the amount of time I have to wait for these downloads… I don’t think I’m going to make it for the whole download.

In other news…

Lets just say this is someone dear to me? Her daughter has been arrested and she is unable to get any information on the subject.. other then it looks like her daughter had been on meth for at least a week prior… and there is fear that she might have fried her brain in the process.

This and I’ve heard a little bit of bad stuff that I won’t repeat.. stuff that sounds consistent with someone out of control on drugs / meth / who’s brain might have fried.. and is in a terribly downward spiral of self destruction.

Said daughter has a very young son.. who’s been having a rough time before this ever started… So this one who is dear to me is trying to act like everything is alright.. telling him that his Mommy is in the hospital and will be ok.

I’m very close to this dear person.. I normally talk to her once a day at least.. and in someways has been my closest friends since before I lost my mom. She is one of the people who’s helped me keep my head above water.. and now without being able to be online to be there for her… is on the gut wrenching side.

There are other stories I could tell at this point… about sources of anxiety and dread.. about questions of my future, housing, school, career, and whatever else… but.. I think I’m going to have to give up on the podcast downloads… after I give this post a one over and post…

Anyway…. hope you folks out there are doing better then I and friends…

Internet-less searching for a path home

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I am without internet. This has turned into something of a monthly tradition for me.. the difference between this month and past months is.. normally Comcast will allow me to sign into my Comcast account to pay the bill and get it back online, but this month it seems like they have changed how there system works.

Why this has become a monthly tradition comes down to a number of factors

For one.. when this happens relative to me having money.. is not really 100% predictable. For another.. I have a payee who is supposed to pay my bills.. so I’d like to hand it over to them… but… I’m not 100% sure that I want to.

I’ve had a hell of a time with the payee.. they are supposed to pay my gas and electric and still aren’t exactly doing that.. and what I’d want is for them to pay the bill and take that out of the bi monthly check they give me.. but if they take it out of the check.. and then I have to pay the bill still… then I’m in a situation where I don’t know how I’ll handle it… it’s difficult enough that.. you have a bill for something that is a month of service which you have to pay out of a 2 week check… depending on what’s happening… this made more difficult by my relative poverty status.

There’s other money issues to.. Basically I have money that is sorta like behind a “payee firewall” if you will.. that I can’t really get access to… or not exactly easily anyway.

Theoretically.. I have the payee because “I can’t manage my money.” This strikes me as a rather blunt instrument.. I think the issue is.. I have a certain anxiety about the mail box.. I know.. its crazy stuff… but I do.. and about mail.. and so.. that can be a problem..

Still.. if I got things worked out with my banks.. I could have the bills automatically paid at a certain date.. on auto pilot.. so it wouldn’t really matter at that point… so do I need a payee?

Well.. my credit is fucked.. and I need housing.. so that’s one reason… also.. to get money for school.. there’s this business of folks with handicaps… can get funding for school… my anxiety counts as one… and having a payee.. plus this business of trying to get on this department of mental health thing.. will help in the argument for getting money for school.

But in practice it’s been a pain in the ass that / been a real horror show.

Other issues

There’s also the issue of getting my car on the road.. basically I have a certain amount of money behind that firewall.. and basically that money is needed to afford the cost of moving into a new housing situation.. seeing as I have a really long standing eviction notice.. that I may or may not be brought to court over soon.. I’m on this waiting list for this housing.. and that should be dealt with soon.

The trouble is I don’t know how much it’s going to cost to move in.. and I don’t know if I can afford both to get the car on the road properly.. and the housing move…

What I’ve thought I would do is get the car on the road.. and then it’s a series of kind of strategic moves.. basically where I’m living right now.. you can’t survive without a car really.. but where I’m moving to… you can.. so the idea is that maybe I can sell the car to help afford the moving.. or.. I don’t know.. it seems like to rent a uhaul.. and maybe have some generous people give me a hand.. should be something I ought to be able to afford anyway….

There’s also the possibility of getting work… now..

Ok.. this is a complex story.

In politics now.. there’s a group of people who don’t like folks whom are on disability and not paying into the system. These people don’t really understand how the system works.. or how a group of people are helped who really need the help.. and or.. anything other then.. they feel that this public safety net is somehow being abused.. and they don’t like that they are paying taxes and essentially paying for this group of people’s whatever needs.

A lot of the ideas this group of people has.. about how the system works.. has no actual relationship to reality.. it’s more like an idealogical point of view.. reality be damned…

In any event.. the truth is that on the safety net I’m living in poverty.. a kind of poverty that creates a whole lot of environmental stressors.. and if you’re in a difficult psychological situation in the first place… this becomes a place where.. well.. I’m not always 100% sure I’m gong to survive this situation.

So I feel kinda like giving this political group the finger.. cause.. it’s a real problem.

Now.. I do want to get work… I feel like this is the only way to find some kind of long term sanity.. this and this business of trying to make my art happen.. something has to give somewhere.. I’m looking at the issue of going to school.. because that would actually put me in less bad of a poverty situation.. at least while I’m going there.. and hopefully will put me in a better employment situation once I’m finished.

But there is this issue that if I get a job.. maybe the safety net falls out from underneath me.. or it hampers my possibilities of getting housing.. or even this business of getting school paid for (mind you i don’t actually need all that much schooling to get a BFA)…

Meanwhile there is this program I want to get on that helps folks with mental health issues get work.. but the lack of funding, along with my therapist dropping the ball, means I’m stuck on this waiting list to get in.

If you’re pissed off about people being on the public safety net.. it seems like the last place you’d want to cut funding is a program that helps people get off that safety net!

I think that there’s some possibility of me getting work without that program.. but I don’t know how things are going to roll in practice…

So that’s kind of an over view of the situation…….

My plan of attack

I’m looking to finish off my under graduate degree.. and then go onto grad school. I think maybe I’d like to be a professor.. or something like that.. and or.. make my art thing happen… and or.. have the leverage to get jobs that help me bank roll my art and survival.. that’s the basic gist of it.

My hope was to have an album finished by mid summer.. and then to be able to promote that album.. and my hope is that going to school might help make that work.

As a part of that project.. there’s also the business of trying to get a recording contract or a manager… there’s also the possibility of putting my music into these libraries that film makers will take music out of.. and then if they use your work.. you get a royalty.. and then there’s the business of getting work doing sound / scoring / sound design / audio engineering.. for films and video games and that kinda thing.

This is all stuff I’m targeting.. and hoping to get at.

Mean while.. I do think I have good enough design, marketing, interactive design, media whatever.. social media.. etc.. skills.. that are in a place where I am employable currently.. so there’s that.

Does it make sense to believe in progress with the way history repeats it’s self?

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Well its late at night and I just wanted to see if I couldn’t sneak out another post.

I’m feeling like… I’m something of an unreliable narrator. On one level I feel like the reality of my experience of existence.. that I’m trying to express in someway.. that it is somehow unreliable. I mean this in the way that our sense of reality is somehow feeble.

I am aware of my own kinda defenses and resistance’s… this issue and that issue.. and how they sorta shape reality for me. This is true for us all: Our schema systems give us an experience of reality but it isn’t ultimate reality. I mean you think of the surrealists trying to break through to that ultimate reality.

And then there’s issue of… how difficult it can be to give expression to the reality you have.

After I write stuff, very often my mind sorta shapes a feeling about the thing I’ve written… and that feeling is the shaping of the schema lets say.. inside of which are whatever complexes that I’m trying to work through…. and they very often make me view whatever I’ve written in the worst possible light.

And lets face it.. I’m struggling through some very difficult stuff.

I will say that I feel like I’m making a lot of progress right now..

Well I think it’s time for bed… it is 2 30 am after all!

Trying to find the way

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Well I got to post something.. I’ve lost my narrative thread… and even the feeling that I should put so much focus on the blog… I’m loosing.. to the focus on the music.

I’m still a little sick… had trouble getting to sleep last night, took my time waking up this morning.. The coffee has yet to brew…

Just hung out in bed for a few hours listening to podcasts, half hoping I’d fall asleep.. and I was listening to podcasts on the subject of video… video production, visual effects, tools of the trade, workflow, issues.. whatever…

It was kind of a reminder of how much information I was taking in… on so many subjects.. and this business of feeling like I need to be so great at so many things.. how much effort I put into them all.

The question of where the blog might fit into all of this, or a web presence might fit into all of this, is not yet clear to me. Nor is it really clear to me that I have a firm commitment of the sort that I will follow through on.. with respect to trying to turn this blog into something.

What keeps running over and over in my mind is… something from my last therapy session: It’s the feeling that I’ve been traumatized in such a way that… it effects my ability to communicate in all sorts of context where in that communication is critical for success.

Having gotten his coffee:

So this leads me to feeling like the critical thing is that I somehow work through the trauma stuff, somehow heal.. so that I can then move towards being able to become capable of these things that I need to be capable of to be successful.

I mean one of the things I wonder about is if it’s possible to have success without developing this part of myself that has been so impaired.  In many ways.. my path.. well the path I’ve taken through life up to this point has been a path that was possible given these issues.. but..

Well what would it take to be successful as an artist, in this kind of fine arts sorta sense?

I think the only way it would work is if I found someone whom I was able to have a pretty intimate kind of relationship with.. who was then a kind of champion of my work.. I’d be a sorta champion of it, but I feel like I would need someone to do the stuff I can’t do.. other wise I don’t think it’ll quite work.

That said.. I can probably successfully create great art… I can….. I don’t know.. I bet there’s a way through the wilderness where I don’t have to heal this part of me… and build this part of me.

You may  wonder why I’d look for a path where I didn’t have to heal

It’s not that I don’t want to heal, or that I don’t want to develop this other part of myself.. it’s more of a question of “well, how long is it going to take to heal, what’s the healing process look like, how is this going to impact choices,” and all of this leads me to thinking that.. if I can find a way to have success without needing to heal… I think that just gives me more flexibility.

So what things look like as of this morning’s wake up and coffee

I spend a good part of the night thinking about this music piece… wanting to work on it. I think until such time as I have the 32-bit bridge for 64 bit stuff.. maybe this is the project I should work on… or…. well I should probably work on things that reinforce all the training I’ve been doing.

I’m craving a smoke pretty bad… but I know it’s best if I don’t have that smoke.. I think it’s only been a couple days that I’ve gone without… It’s not as if I couldn’t continue to go without… I just don’t know that I’ll make it…

I guess I’m not really sure about anything.

I don’t know where to put my hopes. I feel that creating work like I’m doing now.. if I can build something that shows what I’m capable of, that shows my strengths, that shows that I’m not just a lot of talk… I think that maybe that’s the best I can do for right now.

Some thoughts towards making this a better blog

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Ok,…. so lets talk about what we could do to make this blog better, if we wanted to get serious about it.

I think the over riding thing would be to make a priority of the blog… just thinking about it.. working on it.. saying “this is the thing I’m going to do”…. I think that’s probably enough to make it happen. Or I should say… all else will flow from that.

Ok.. great.. I’ve posted twice in the last two days.. I’m writing this.. and I think I’ll probably post this … I’ve looked through the blog a little.. I’m thinking about it a little.. so what can we do?

Well.. one thing I think.. is I need to re-up my flickr account.. back to pro.. so I can start posting more photos and what not.. I think there should be photos with every blog post.. I also think that I should work on making videos.. I think video is a powerful medium.

On the power of video

You read my words on this virtual page.. and that’s one thing…  and it has it’s strengths.. but with video.. you see me, you feel me.. its like.. so much comes through with video.. I become a whole lot more real to you… I can take you into my world in a way I can’t with just writing…

On the subject of thematic material

I think this blog should be a kind of personal journal made public.. where I share all the pain of my existence, along with hopes and dreams and whatever else.. where I sorta tell a story.. the story of me.. in a certain way… I think that’s what this needs to be about. I may… launch another blog.. or another site.. one that I use to try and get work from… where I’ll basically.. present myself in a totally different way…

But I think this one should be me just sorta.. rambling on… about whatever.

I don’t know if there’s anything strong or powerful or compelling.. about what I’m doing with this blog.. I really don’t know. I don’t know if there’s any reason anyone would want to read it.. or better yet read it regularly….

I think the best I can do.. is to work on writing well.. and trying to make posts that work well.. and I can maybe get into more strategy with my posts.. but I think I want to keep this essential thematic material of.. the struggling artist..

I think what I want to do is create a window into my world..

I also kinda think that I don’t really want to promote this blog…  Which is odd when not too many breaths back I was talking about strategy…  But I feel like if I go and share this blog.. on one or another site.. or share posts from it.. that it in someway makes me self conscious.. and I’d prefer not to do that….

I think.. the images on the top of the blog…

Well lets talk blog themes

A theme.. is like.. well so this is a blog that runs on WordPress.. WordPress is a free open source CMS. CMS = Content management system. Basically.. it automates all this business of blogging… I write the post, hit publish.. that’s the end of it. I don’t have to go and write HTML for each post.

Anyway… so a theme is basically a design.. where you give a blog a certain look and feel.. but it can also go into what kind of functionality you want to bring to the table.

So I think we know.. that I want to go through theme iterations…

The theme I’m using right now is the default WordPress theme.. You install WordPress.. and this is the theme you get. So.. its sorta ultra vanilla…. but.. I also kinda like it.. I think it’s not bad…  but clearly i need to make my own damn design…

Anyway.. there’s an image on the top of every page.. and that image is chosen at random… So.. what I could do.. as a kind of minimal amount of customization… is to put in my own damn images…

I’m not exactly sure what is involved in doing this.. but I’m sure it’s pretty simple stuff… Just make sure the images are the right dimensions.. are in the right place.. and that… what ever bit of code puts those images up.. knows how to get those images…

Ok, moving right along.

If we could design a theme.. or start with this theme… and work out.. what should our first moves be?

I think maybe the first thing is to think about how to explore the blog content.

I’m not sure.. but here’s some ideas…

I like the idea of visualizing relationship of information…

How about we steal from Native Instruments? What they have is.. you have this huge patch library of thousands of patches… and fist you pick what category of patches you want to look at.. and then you narrow it down.. by sub categories and attributes….

So lets say by doing this we get a list of blog posts.. listed by subject… and you mouse over the post tittle.. or click on them.. and up comes the first paragraph.. of the post.. along with other attributes of the post.. that tell you something about the post.. and if you double click on it.. up comes the post.

I like the idea that each post could have an image associated with it… again I’d probably need to get back on flickr or something.. and just make sure that every new post has an image, at least… but one way or another… lets say each post has an image…

Ok….

So here’s the question… what would you be searching for and why? Or… who do we imagine our readers to be.. or do we have certain strategic categories of people we want to have as readers.. and then… what would they want / be looking for?

So I think we want to outline this… along with.. the question of how we want to tell our story.

I’m not really sure how I want to tell my story… but I think in some ways.. it’s almost like I want to compose the way you would explore and interact with the blog…

So as I said in a recent post.. if you’ve never heard of me.. and you come by my site.. and lets say.. I don’t know.. you want to get some sense of who I am… what you don’t want to do is go read some epic long post on who the hell knows what..

I would imagine… you have a certain kind of “radar,” lets say.. and this radar is a method you use to recognize patterns, attributes… to categories… to make sense of the world.. and so via this schema system.. you’re going to try and make sense of me… or of this blog or the version of me that I’m putting out here on this blog…

And so.. what I want to do.. is sorta… make it easier for you to get that sense of me and who I am.

Maybe what I want to do is to.. in a sense.. create a kind of self portrait…

Or here’s a good way of thinking about it.

Lets say.. you were in the market for a lover.. and you meet someone who’s a potential lover… and you guys are gong to hang out and talk and whatever.. and you’re going to tell your story.. How are you going to tell your story to this potential lover?

Well I would say… that really depends on any number of variables. One of the variables.. is what your intentions are.. If you want a one night stand.. or just to “get a little,” what you’re going to try and do is make your self look as sexy as possible… if, on the other hand your looking for a soul mate… now it’s like.. your not necessarily even trying to get this lover.. because this might not be the right lover for you.. this might not be your soul mate..

So.. if your looking for a long term relationship.. well.. in ether case you want to put your best food forward.. and.. difficult subjects that might be problematic.. well.. maybe you need to develop a certain level of trust before you share them… or maybe you need to present those things in a certain way.. in a certain light.. so that they might be understood in a certain way… or…

I know one of the things that wold be important for me is to share the things about me that are my strong qualities.. I want you to see those first… You know.. like if someone see’s your worst first.. they might think of you that way.. but if they see your best first.. then when you get around to your worst… well now we have a balanced perspective.

So I think there’s a story I want to tell… and to tell that story I think… you want a certain level of curation going on…

I’ve often thought… that maybe I want to base it off some level of engagement..  If I designed thing in such a way that you would only see certain things if you had a certain level of engagement.. or that the probability of you running into certain things would be less if you were less engaged…

And there’s probably a million ways of achieving that.

Well.. I gotta get going…  so time to post