Whats up in my land.. story of passion and art.

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It’s been a long time since I posted.. have a bunch of crap on deck to post.. but it hasn’t been posted yet, so it might just never get posted… and anyway.. I got about 15 minutes till I gotta leave for my therapist appointment.. so I figured… Why not try and spit out something.

I guess the biggest theme that strikes my fancy.. or just seems important for me to hear and hold onto is “believe.” Believe in the stuff of.. well I don’t know what to call it and don’t have enough time to get into it.. but dreams.. and.. passions.. and who you are in the deepest sense and that feeling of purpose you have about life…  about your ability to get where you need to go.. in order to actualize..

So.. that’s maybe one of the biggest themes.

Another big thing is this whole box of philosophical whatever… I think of it as a kind of toy box.. for the intellectual kids.. right? It’s this kind of complex way of understanding stuff that gets beneath surface phenomenology. It’s some badd ass shit.. and its sorta structured into this kind of critique of society.. including stuff like how we run business and whatever.. like critiques of management theory…. good stuff.

And then there’s the art… which is almost like applied philosophy… Like that’s the best way of putting it… Or its as if the philosophy was the theory and the art the practice.

I’m jumping of a giant cliff into the unknown with my art.. It’s pretty scary stuff in a lot of ways.. but.. I’m starting to see certain things emerge… that are like signs of things to come.. where all this jumping into the unknown is heading…  basically it’s heading to… knowing a whole bunch of new shit.. I mean that’s probably what it comes down to…

But it turns my music into something wholly new…. It totally changes the game.. and there’s a larger integration with the media stuff… I see a really kick ass potential here.

Ok.. so lets move onto points of anxiety….. about the art.

The main thing is i gotta keep at it.. and keep at it strong.. and work and work and work.. and find a way of making this stuff.. a lot of it really is coming down to craft..

Craft is like.. well some art is all about craft.. It’s like genera conventions and its about how well you do that genera.. not what concepts you bring to the table… you can roughly divide up artists, and other types for that matter, into the conceptualist’s and the crafts folk…. and in a lot of ways my work really rocks it on the craft level.. that’s always been a big part of my shtick.. but the concepts.. yeah.. that stuff is strong to I think…

But anyway.. .the craft is the thing I’m worrying about now.

I’ve been looking at a whole lot of dance music production.. the techniques.. how you do it..all the little pieces.. and sorta integrating that stuff into my work.. and trying to move my work in a more dance friendly direction.. but it’s not totally been working out.

And then I guess it’s like bringing the mix engineering stuff to the next level.

And really.. more then a lot of all this.. I’ve been focusing on sound synthesis.. Absynth, Kontakt, Massive, Omnisphere.. those have been my main virtual instruments that I’ve been busy programming..  and really the heart of the craft issue for me is.. gaining some real mastery over these instruments.

What else?

Oh.. there’s the subjects of words.. and they can do.. little captured bits of audio.. of life of people talking of whatever.. cut into the music to tell a story.. and all that goes into that kind of story telling and how it integrates into the music and everything.. that’s big stuff… anyway, lets edit and post.

 

Late night, early morning, time for a visit to the hospital

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Its about 5 30 AM and I haven’t made it to sleep yet. I’ve been having some trouble sleeping now for a while.. last week or so I would guess… and that’s not a real issue for me accept that I gotta appointment at the hospital at 8 30 tomorrow morning, or this morning… which means I have to wake up in like.. a couple hours.. and I doubt I’ll have fallen asleep by then which means.. its going to be a rough time.. particularly given that I’m not to drink anything but water till my appointment.. meaning no caffeine to help me stay awake.

It’s already bad enough that the day before the appointment I’m not to eat any kind of fatty foods… and well.. I didn’t discover this, or that my appointment was today.. till pretty late in the day.. so… I’m not sure how that might effect things.

And right now I’m just freaking tired.

Some of what’s going on musically in my world at the moment

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I can’t believe it’s been so long since I posted on here.

It’s now 1:19 and I have to get to the food pantry… probably.. ought to leave in… well 10 or 15 minutes I guess.. so as to not be late for my therapist appointment.. which means not much time for a post.

So.. I guess I’ll just give a kinda journal-ish update on what’s up…

I’ve been uber focused on music making.. music production.. the tools, thinking about music composition and song writing.. dance music….

I’ve been doing these tutorials for creating the drums and bass for various dance genres. It’s really a kind of paint by numbers approach.. but you end up with a new perspective or it adds something to your current perspective. So right now my goal is to finish all the tutorials in this magazine and then… well listen to music from those genres and try and make finished music out of them that sorta fits there genres.

After that my goal is to see if I can get it so I can more or less create a finished track inside of a day. These tracks might not be totally 100% finished.. in terms of polish and what not.. but the idea is to get so I can create a lot of work fast and then go back and see what I have, what I like.. and then maybe bring the good ones to fruition.

Other then that I have a remix I’m meaning to work on… a contest.

I guess what I find myself focusing on, or what I think will be my focus.. are these really subtle details. It’s like.. barely audible things.. the kind of game where it’s a game of inches.. and now is the time to work on those final inches.. that that’s where my focus ought to be.

I also have tun of unfinished works.. in progress.. and I’m thinking of taking a look at them.. and even some finished work.. .and think about brining those inches to those works.. because.. I have some stuff that I think is really great work.. but has these big parts that I’m not happy with on one level or another.

There’s other ideas worth talking about, but I gotta proof read this post once over and then post.. and get out of here…

Its about 15 minutes till Christmas

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I’m sitting in bed, with my cat, some Diorites, Gatorade, and a small assortment of pills that I am to take…

I’m spent… really really spent. I got very little sleep last night.. so I’ve been in a surreal sleep deprived state the whole day… I worked on a post on the subject… but…

There are some posts that are difficult for me to post.. these are usually of the longer, more complex, variety… epic if you will. Posts where I deep dive into one or another subject.. and probably a subject that your average reader would come to without a whole lot of background knowledge..

It was said to me, at one point, that it was like you needed a PhD in Matt.. to really follow this stuff.

I’d like to do more posts like that actually. It might not make a lot of sense from the usual marketing perspective.. but it might.

You see there’s the really deep and rich intellectual foundation to my work.. to my way of being in the world.. I am some kind of a philosopher I guess you could say… and I think.. if you should find the subjects interesting… which at least I do.. I think this could be some very exciting stuff to go and explore publicly.

This stuff, I think, is the real reason why I was put on this earth.. this is my real passion… and… the spirits whom visit me seem to be beckoning me onward.. down these paths.

That’s a strange thing to say… but that gets at my mystic shtick

I imagine you’ve probably seen the Matrix movie(s).. In a way the movie suggests that the world we take for reality.. is really an illusion.. and the real world is this other thing.. and its about saving humanity from the illusion that enslaves us. Or that’s one way to think of it.

Well its a sorta similar idea.. I heard this said somewhere.. I think by a psychoanalyst..  some people cling to fantasy in order to escape reality, others cling to reality to escape there fantasy’s. I always liked that.

Another way of pointing to it is something Jung said in reference to psychology types:. The mysteries of the universe extend infinitely into the outer material world.. but they also extend infinitely into the interior world of the psyche.. folks more orientated to the outer world we call extroverts, people more orientated to the inner world we call introverts.

The point here.. an what people miss.. is that the inward world is just as real as outer world. You can say “it’s all in your mind” about.. whatever.. but at root.. all the problems of life are inward problems..

So this business of talking about mystical things.. spirits.. whatever.. the mystic side of religions and mythologies from the dawn of time.. have served as a road map to this inward world.. and a part of the truth they speak to is the truth of inward reality. And in large measure I’d say this is one of the big things the world is missing today…

And this is really what my art and work is all about exploring.

So when I speak of spirits beckoning me onward.. I’m personifying actual psychic, or psychological… experience.

And it’s “not just subjective.”

The surrealists, of course, thought of it as a kind of “ultimate reality” and it really is, in many ways… what Plato was trying to get to with is ultimate ideas..

Anyway… I think think this is probably a post worth posting

I’ve been served an eviction notice

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I just got an eviction notice.. that I’m to leave this house inside of 3 months.

I have no idea what this means in practice.

The house, of course, is the house I grew up in.. the Eviction notice is from.. well basically from my father’s Guardian, on his behalf.. or the lawyer for where she works.. Jewish family services.

Now apparently there is a legal system here.. a process..

The trouble is I’m on disability and getting section 8 housing, or subsidized housing.. there’s waiting lists… so that finding a place to move out to inside of that 3 month period.. may or may not be realistic..

And if it’s not realistic.. and I do whatever I can to get out.. then it may be that I can’t just be made homeless like that.

So I probably shouldn’t be freaking out.. not till I get to talk to a lawyer anyway… but to be woken up by this.. from deep sleep.. is not an easy thing…

To be served by this is sorta unexpected..

At this point I don’t interact with my father’s Guardian.. my therapist does on my behalf.. as said guardian had quiet a way of pushing me into the suicidal area code.. Just really by the way she does things…..

There had just been a conversation.. or she had been saying to my therapist that I would have to leave on account of my father not being able to afford the heat.. and the water would have to be turned off so the pipes don’t break.

But what about fuel assistance? Or that the bills we had for gas an electric that were in his name didn’t reflect a disability rate which is what he should be paying.. or if I were paying it.. that I should be paying?

This was maybe a month ago.. and I had gone to try and make an appointment for fuel assistance but there’s no way of doing that unless I have an actual fuel bill… for the heat.. and of course I didn’t because it’s in his name and they don’t go to me anyway.

So what my therapist was going to do was to ask her to have the bill in my name.. I would pay it.. and it was up to me to get the fuel assistence.. or that she could apply for fuel assistence in his name.

Well I haven’t heard anything more of this.. and now I get the notice to evict.

In my view..

This is sorta.. the way said Gaurdian operates.. it really has nothing to do with an issue of heating the house and the pipes.. it has to do with her wanting me out of the house because it makes her job more difficult.. and I’m sure it’s totally true that he’s run out of money.. and they need to sell the house, and whatever that’s in it that is of value.. for nursing home bills..

So I appreciate the situation.. or try to.. my father’s situation and hers… but.. it’s the manipulative nature.. of how she operates.. that infuriates me. That before I had any kind of legal knowledge or anything.. she would stomp on my rights.. with all kinds of threats of how she was going to come here and call the police if I wasn’t here to meet her… and she would change the locks and it would be illegal for me to then go and try and break in…

And then, of course…. on the day I was to meet her.. she doesn’t show up.

I see her as a bit of a bully… I’ve tried to like her.. but it’s not easy when you’re in my position… being threatened with homelessness… and all the rest.

At one point she seemed almost angelic.. she helping me to find housing.. through the process.. but I have sever social anxiety that makes it very difficult.. and she wasn’t very nurturing about that I will tell you. If a problem came up where my anxiety made it difficult to do whatever the thing was… she would threaten…. and thus make my anxiety all the worse.. (thus pushing me into the suicidal area code)

I’m told that people in her position are over worked.. and I did get that impression…. and that a lot of what she does could come down to that.. and that this situation where I take her as manipulative.. could have to do with her being over worked and just not being able to spend enough time looking at the subject to see it clearly..

But I’m skeptical of all that.

What upsets me is here I was trying to take care of my father.. and then she steps in…. and if my father didn’t have Alzheimer’s and knew what was going on.. I can tell you that this is not how he’d want things handled.

The only thing I can think, really.. is that she thinks I think I can stay here indefinitely.. or should.. and she needs to show me that she’s serious.. and thus the serving of the notice to evict. That seems reasonable to me but…

Why she would think that I don’t know

She had helped to get me on disability… and apparently the social security office suggested that it would probably be best if I had a payee.. I guess is what it’s called.. so somehow it was as if I had been declared unfit to spend my own money, and she was suddenly in charge of my money.

I couldn’t believe this bullshit! How can someone just do this to you without even consulting you? How can you just be declared unfit to spend your money and so now you don’t have your money? All kinds of horrible things happened to me because I didn’t have that money… and that she could spend that money without me even being notified?

Sure.. she did this on my car insurance.. which is a reasonable thing.. but still.. that I don’t even know about it?

So there was this process to get me the money… or there was this lump sum as a part of the disability… and what ended up happening is.. the place I go for my therapist and psychiatrist.. and other things… also has a payee service.. so the idea was to get it transfered over… this transferring process has taken something like 8 months.. more then twice what it should have.. and who knows why….

So the thing is.. to move out.. I need that money for first and last months rent.. and whatever security deposit. So things had been held up by this.. or this is my understanding anyway.

So I don’t know.. that’s sorta the story as I understand it anyway.

A queer feeling wakes me

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I woke up about 6 early, cause my cat walked over me in bed.. I woke up wondering if he wanted something but he doesn’t seem to interested in getting me to do anything for him….

I’m hit by this queer anxiety feeling.. it’s a little bit as if you peered into a dream.. where in some very clear way your subconscious was telling you something that was sorta.. at odds with how you were thinking about things / believing… was the nature of… any number of things in your life..

I could try and give examples of some of these supposed insights, but they are really intangable feelings that seem to cluster around certain mental images… It’s as if our idea of reality had to do with how we tie together these image clusters and the feeling is like a suggestion of an alternative way of connecting the images together.. to create some other narrative…

And you only lightly feel that narrative tickling you’re cheek.. as you turn you’re head to try see that other reality.

I don’t if it’s real or imaginary… if I should wake up or go back to bed..

A day in the life of a sick music producer

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I spent today sorta trying to work on music but running to annoying technical issues of computers not behaving the way you’d like which.. well between that and being sick… is just kinda hell-ish.

I’ve actually been feeling pretty inspired to work on new music on account of my recent RAM upgrade… which suddenly opens thing wide open for me.

And then I started watching videos like this one from Tom Cosm

Even if you don’t know anything about Ableton Live or electronic music.. you can really learn a good deal from videos like this.. I mean he really explains things down to the most basic levels…

Tom Cosm is really THE guy to learn Ableton from and I can’t really recommend him enough.

Anyway watching this video was like a real eye opener for me. In part cause I’m just not that handy with Ableton.. and other videos I’ve seen don’t really show you how you would work with the software if you were like… working on a sorta pro level? Or they are more like “this does this” and it doesn’t really show you the production craft.. or the tool in the context of the production craft.

But also.. I guess I come from a much more conventional kind of approach and this just really opens me up to thinking in different ways about production and sorta shows me how much more I have to learn.

Though oddly in all of this I didn’t really spend anytime in Ableton today… more just in Digital Performer..

But watching how Tom works with Operator in Ableton.. which is an FM synthesizer.. I quickly got inspired to try and work with Native Instruments FM8 in a similar way but.. well this would involve me spending a lot of time in manuals and all that kinda stuff.. which I suppose I should be doing!

Anyway.. so yea.. watched hours of Tom Cosm’s videos… and worked a bit.. picked up some groceries… and I guess that was my day basically.

I’m sick

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Not in bed sick exactly.. although now I’m waring a coat and hat… dressed as I would to go out.. while sitting at the computer in the living room… though this is perhaps more an effect of the “how to we handle the cost of heating the house problem” then it is an issue of me being sick in anyway.

Today I woke up about 3 PM… last night I went to bed about 7PM, I’m guessing… and then woke up for a number of hours, before going back to bed.

I’m really barely out of bed.. not capable of much.. just basic survival.. is kinda where things are at at the moment…

Fortunately I’m an uber computer person.. which means… well that it doesn’t take much energy to do stuff… but.. well, mental energy… and my brain is a little soft and squishy at the moment.. at least when it comes to what you might call serious intellectual labor of any kind.

Well.. I am waiting for RAM to arrive anyway… and much of the real work I’m itching to do requires that RAM…

But…

Just the idea of bringing out the trash tonight.. fills me with dread…

What I think I’m going to do is make something for me to eat.. and then… from there.. see about the trash and bed… I think I’m going to set up a work station in bed kinda situation..

My laptop is decidedly underpowered when it comes to the subject of.. well just what kinda software is installed on it relative to music production… its mostly out of date.. and most of my software I never bothered installing on it.. and its optical drive isn’t what it was… but.. well.. what the hell.. its still worthy of some work…

If I’m just laying in bed.. not even bothering to put in the effort to keep my body upright.. I can sometimes fool myself into thinking I’m not sick at all.. and thus work on forward.. so now I’m going to look into some of that….

One boring blog post you should probably not bother reading

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It’s important to me that I achieve the basic goal of posting regularly.. which means not letting more then a week go buy without a post.. and really ideally… there probably should be about a post a day coming from me and… I’m not sure of the head space I need.

I guess this is what I always think about with respect to blogging.. or I mean successful blogging… Is that it requires a different kind of head trip then the one I’m on.. and I’m not really sure how to get on that other head trip.. and.. and do I even really want that.. enough to do that?

You know that’s the funny thing about success… we all want it.. but how many of us want it bad enough to make it happen… and I suppose it depends on what level of success we are talking about, and just how we want to define success… and all of that kinda thing.

I mean we’d probably all like to be making millions but..

For me… right now.. success is just putting one foot forward, in front of the other.. and keeping up with the trying.. in making my way through life… and success is doing this without letting go of my dreams. And success is.. growing.. and success is… well…. growing is probably the biggest thing I’m always interested in… more so the economic stuff really.

Trouble is, of course, I need to get the economic stuff stuff in order.. carry on… and without it.. i often grow dark.

Well n e who… not much of a blog post.. but it’s tonights post

Time for Bed

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It’s somewhat late at night… no, I take that back, it’s very late at night.. I should be in bed.. Jesus, I have to get up early tomorrow to… and it doesn’t help that I’m feeling sick.

What’s there for me to write about today?

It’s been over a week since I posted.. which is too long.

Have I posted anything on the subject of all the music work I’ve been doing? This month is National Solo Album Month.. a challenge to try and make a solo album in the month of November.. well.. I’m trying… but I don’t know that I’ll really have anything finished come the end of the month..

It doesn’t help that one project I was working on.. not only did it crash.. but I can no longer open the document.. and that was maybe half a weeks worth of work.

I don’t know about this.. as a project for me at this point.. if it’s quite appropriate for me.. I think I’m supposed to work on these real labor of love projects.. not these scramble to get an album finished in a month deals…

I spend a lot of time, each day, working on it.. and a lot of time procrastinating it.. but.. more or less.. I work from the time I get up till the time I go to bed.. mind you there are hours and hours of not doing anything in them middle there…

And now it’s late.. and now I should be asleep…

And my anxiety is all crazy

And.. I’m not quite functional

and.. I’m not quite sure how to get functional and

Well what the hell.. at least it’s a post.. I should post it!